Say whattt!?

I've decided I think I'm going to use this a little bit more thanks to Tom and his blog making me want to re-start this.

I finally quit my university course [eep!] and still managed to pass the first year [thank you complementary credits] and is now on the amazing and incredible Arts and Festivals Management course I raved about a while a go.

I still get to live with Annie and Tom which I love.

I am going to try so hard this year to make friends. Sure, I had a few last year but the majority of the course I didn't like [with the exception of maybe 5 people or so] so I didn't make the effort. I want to be a much more social person this year and have really good friends on my new course. My plan is to invite people out during Freshers and set that kind of tone. Because of this I am stupidly excited about September. I just want it to be here already, please?

I want to be living in my little flat, being able to go out when I choose, doing a course I am super excited about and meeting new people.

Last year I spent the tail end being really unhappy. The place that I lived started being less of this incredibly beautiful place it started out to be and more and more intolerable. It started to have less and less redeeming features and there were only 2 people I liked. The noise at night times was driving me crazy, the mess was so frustrating and I hated the amount of random people that spent the night/week/fortnight and acted as if they lived there. All that combined with how bad my course was end up in me spending more and more time by myself or with Chase, not having the energy or excitement to do things with everybody else, even the people I considered my best friends.

That is why now, I cannot wait. I feel like I am truly happy again and next year won't be like that. If I hate my course? So what, I get to go home to a lovely flat with two people I care about. If I want to wander around in my pyjamas? Who cares? It's only Tom and Annie, the whole of Coventry wont be sat in my kitchen every morning. If the kitchen's a bit messy? Just tidy it up and it will get the recognition it deserves rather than being ignored and subsequently messed up within an hour.

I just want it to be here now. I have butterflies and I haven't been this excited since last year.

What gap?

Okay, so after much deliberation and thought I have decided to not go on a gap year.

Annie and Tom are two of my best friends - to let them down would be awful, it's not fair and for that reason (along with many others) I have decided to stay.

It is kinda weird now, having to go to lectures and labs and do the work as before I just went as I felt like it - now I have to go to pass.

I received the grade from a technical report I wrote. A technical report is notoriously hard to write. It has to be formal with the right type of language in it and abide to the word count completely. It has to be written in third person, the pictures have to be labeled 'fig 1.' etc. and the references have to be in the Havard referencing system. For that technical report - I got a first! [Kinda equivalent to an A* or Distinction]

Now I'm not boasting [okay a little bit] but I got my grades back for a website I designed and in comparison the results are shocking, one of the reasons why I was leaning towards a gap year is because I thought it would be too hard for me. The result I got for the technical report proves to me that I can do it. And I'm so happy about that.

Mind the gap.

Because I haven't updated this in ages, you won't know. But I have made no secret of the fact that I HATE my university course. Hate.

All of the practical aspects that I anticipated it to have were, in fact, replaced with maths and making radios. MAKING radios - from scratch, soldering and all. Which is COMPLETELY not what I wanted.

I decided I'll give it to the end of the year - if I quit I'd have to give up my place in halls, return my loan and my scholarship. So from a financial and social perspective, I decided to stay.

And then I found this amazing course. It's something I kind of touched upon in college and loved. It's arts and festival management and sounded incredible.

So I met up with the course leader and he told me everything about this course which made it sound even better (did you know that as part of the first year you put on an event at the leicester comedy festival? No? Well, it is a big deal!) but then

Disaster struck.

I can't join the course in September 2010 which is what I wanted to do.

Me and my two really good friends already have a student house for the next year so I was hoping I'd be able to get onto the course and keep the house and everything will be excellent!

But no.

So now, my options are very limited. Even if I am allowed to stay in the house, I couldn't afford it without my loan and to get my loan, I need to be studying the course I am at the moment which I really don't want to do.

So

I'm thinking of cutting my loses and having a gap year.

But I'm scared and it worries me about letting my friends down with the house.

I've found some amazing travel trips and it is all quite exciting.

But I really, really don't know what to do.

Like, at all.

what on earth am I doing?

Right now,

Right this moment I have NO idea what I am doing with my life. I live in a place I hate so I can stay with a boy I love where I'm doing a course I despise. I don't really want to have to wait for this year to over - I want to be done with it now.

Having the thought of another 3 months here actually feels me with dread. I don't know what I'm doing here or what I'm doing in life.

Like, seriously.

I take it back

Everything I said in my last post, I take it back.

Me and Chase had a long chat over dinner the other night.

I love him, like an insane amount and I know that he loves me too.

He said that, for him, not living together is more about him wanting to do it on his own first. And that, next year, in our third year, he wants to live with me. That gives him one year to experience everything on his own and get enough money so we can live together comfortably.

And this entire Christmas we had the most amazing time together. We laughed and spent lots of time in bed just cuddling and talking. He came to mine on Boxing Day and spent up until yesterday there when we went shopping and out for dinner.

I am a very lucky girl and the next time I forget that, I give you permission to punch me.

Boyfriend troubles

Right now my relationship with Chase is perfect.

Or at least that's what I'd have to believe.

I feel that sometimes, if I let on to people if me and Chase are having problems [even the tiniest ones] like our relationship is shit in their eyes. And I know, when it comes down to it, their opinion does not matter one bit, but I don't want people to think that.

In the scheme of things our relationship is pretty damn perfect.

We don't argue.

We love each other completely

He buys me presents just because

I buy him things that remind me of him

He calls just to hear my voice

We talk on webcam when we can't be together

And when we are together everythings incredible

Our relationship is about love and about fun.

But then something happens

And it doesn't change anything, at least not normally for him.

Recently, I've been finding places to live for the next year - halls of residence are only there for first years.

And I said to Chase about me and him living together because it'll be awesome. Waking up next to him every day and going to sleep next to him every night, cooking him dinner and coming home to him every day sounds like my idea of bliss.

Plus, I'd much rather live with him [my boyfriend of 18 months] than some people that, although I do like, I have only known for 3 months.

Chase chose the latter. He would rather live with one of my housemates who he's really close to, than me.

Yeah.

Now he says this is because he doesn't want anything to change between us. That if we live together we could break up and he's happy with the way things are.

But all I hear is 'Chances are we'll break up before next September anyway/I'm not that happy with you anymore/I don't want to live with you.'

I mean, why else would he want to live with someone he's only known for a few months over me?

When people ask me about it 'Oh, are you not going to be living with Chase next year?' I just say what he said to me, not believing it myself, 'We like things the way they are. A lot could change if we lived together.'

As well, it seems like everybody is moving forward. Girlfriends and boyfriends are moving in together, my step-brother just got ENGAGED to his girlfriend of 8/9 months...

I'm not looking for engagement, definitely not, but I'm fed up of this.

One of my flatmates is moving in with her boyfriend and I asked her if she thought that was a good idea, what if they broke up? What if things changed? And she said;

"Maybe. But then maybe not. I'd rather have 2, 3, 4 months of living together really, really happily than this. I mean, if you love each other enough to live together, you love each other enough to work through all your problems. There's no point in a relationship if you don't love each other enough to work through your problems.'

I don't think Chase loves me enough sometimes.

Long time coming

So I haven't updated this since I first moved into my accommodation, about 10 weeks a go. That's shocking considering over summer this was my only source of outlet.

Perhaps it's because now I don't have much to vent.

I mean, I'm still with Chase - perhaps even closer and more in love now than before, I have these two amazing friends who I'm super close to even though it's only been 2 and a half months, 80% of my flat are incredible.

The work is shit though.

Super, super shit.

In fact, I pretty much hate my course - just because, at the moment, we're not doing anything I want to do. At all.

A guy I'm working with at the moment is pretty much like Hitler in that he constantly e-mails and texts me about work that is either a) out of my control or b) something I've already done.

Decembers really hard for me and having him on my back the entire time is something I find really hard to cope with.

But I have Chase, so that's all good.

My eatings getting better - I cook meals for myself all the time, pasta bake and chicken and potatoes etc.

I wish I didn't eat as much but I'm trying, I've joined the gym - Now i just have to go.

I'm waiting for Chase to come home to me now, I've washed my clothes, tidied my room and I'm gonna cook chicken chow mein for dinner tonight. To be honest, I've got a pretty good life right now.