Coping

My grandads really not getting well, I really can't cope with this anymore, I can't go through it all again. I'm so scared.

Please just make sure he's okay, or take him quickly - I don't want to have to feel sick constantly with worry over this. It's just too much. It brings everything up that happened with my Nan and I really don't want to do this again. I just can't.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm not getting the ucas points I need - there's no way I'm gonna manage to get the scholarship. I feel like such a failiure. I should've known from the start I wasn't capable of it - I'm just too stupid, too dumb to understand and to get it. I feel like a complete fuck up for thinking I could try.

I don't know what I want anymore. I feel empty, I feel sick from crying, I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and never come out again. I miss Chase, I want him home. I just need someone right now. Anyone. Please just look after me.

Ughhh

I feel just so... negative.

I keep crying for no reason and I don't know why.

I can't tell anyone about it because the next logical question is 'Why?' and I don't know, I really don't know.

I'm normally really happy at this time of the year - It's summer, it's nearly my birthday and there's nice weather. But I don't understand what's going on?

I feel like I'm going a bit stir crazy. I'm just not... feeling anything any more. My Grandads still in hospital and I can't go to see him - I just can't see him all thin and frail in hospital again.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I want out.

Birthdays

On Friday it's Chase's 19th Birthday. I'm really quite excited.

I brought him Steven K Amos tickets, which he knows about, and then I've downloaded a bunch of movies, brought him lots of sweets and chocolate and got take-away menus for him to choose from - my treat. I'm gonna buy him some beer and we'll spend the night in together. Frankly, I've spent a lot of money and put a lot of effort into his present and thinking up something good for us to do together.

I can't see him doing anything like this for my birthday.

I sent him a list a while a go, after he asked, of stuff I wanted for my birthday. They included the usual - books and CDs and DVDs, to special things I'd really like - A picnic, dinner out, a mixed tape, photo album etc. I much prefer these type of things to material possesions any day but I have a feeling I'll get a book or something. It's not that I won't be happy with it, I love anything he buys me. I just sometimes wish he'd put more effort into it.

It's not just Chase - I have organised and thrown 4 or 5 surprise parties for my friends and family. I've went to the trouble of inviting everyone, sorting out food, decorations, drink, everything... Yet I know, that no one would consider doing this for me.

For my sisters 18th Birthday I got in contact with all her friends and all her family, I made her a book with loads of messages from all of them in and lots of pictures. I know I wouldn't get one of these at all.

I feel like if I don't organise anything for my birthday, I won't do anything. People won't even think 'Lets meet up tonight at the pub for Leigh's birthday,'

I know I'm nothing special, just sometimes it annoys me.

When people say 'What dya fancy for your birthday?' I always say 'Oh no, it's okay. I don't really want anything...' because I feel like if they were really bothered about what to get me, they'd already know. Yknow? I don't tend to ask people what they want for their birthdays - I listen and remember.

Sometimes I just wish people would make a big deal of me and my birthday like I do when it comes to theres. But I know they won't, so what's the point?

FYI: I love Chase, he always buys me something nice that I love - it's just this gave me something to illustrate my point with.

Goodbye good mood

Tonight I went to my sisters fashion show, it was incredible and she won the most innovative designs award from like these industry professionals. They gave out about 4 awards all together, there was more than 100 fashion students there and she won! Out of everybody, she won!

I was so proud of her, like to the point where I was welling up. She did so well and I can't express how I happy I am she won. Her designs were pretty damn incredible afterall.

But

It got me thinking

My sister obviously has a real, honest to god talent for Fashion. She just... has it, yknow? So... What do I have? I mean lets break it down;

I want to work in media but I'm not sure where

I like making videos but my ideas aren't brilliant and I can't film very good.

I'm shit at taking photographs

I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to do radio

I can't edit or use software all that well

I don't know anything that thousands of other people, other students do... I haven't got anything. Nothing special. I can write a decent essay if I try, exciting. That's not gonna further my future at all.

But apart from that

I'm not musical at all, I can't sing, I can't act, I can't dance, I can't draw, I can't make stuff, I can't cook...

Chase is an incredible bass player - hearing him play is just something else and he just tends to be able to play instruments amazingly as soon as he picks them up.

My brother studies carpentry and somehow just managed to become incredible at it, he's one of the best in the class and he's always producing these amazing things he's made from scratch - tables, chairs, wardrobes.

My other sister is an incredible drawer.

It feels like I don't have that, it's like if someone else did this blog, they could write 'Oh yeah, Leigh's a good... Erm... Well, I mean... She's alright at lots of stuff really... Um, Leigh's a good person, yeah.' because, trust me on this one, there's absolutely nothing about me that sounds out - nothing that's special, nothing I'm proud of, nothing that anybody will remember.

It's not that I want to be famous and I want all the glory.

I'd just like to have something I can excel at instead of a couple of things that I'm average at.

I'm fed up of being average, of looking average, of getting average grades. I want to be good at something! Just anything. I want to have something I love, that I'm good at, and that I can put all my passion into, because sometimes I feel so boring.

I know there's nothing exciting about me, and I wish there was.

I'm also really worried that I won't get the grades I need. I've handed in all my work and now... now it's out of my hands. I don't know my grades and I don't even know when I'm gonna get my grades.

This brings me back to what I've just been saying - there's no units I know I'm gonna get distinctions in, there's no units I even think I'm gonna get distinctions in. Chase often says 'I'm gonna have to settle for 4 distinctions,' when he's counting up what grades he's getting. It makes me feel like absolute shit because I'd love to be able to settle for 4 distinctions, 4 distinctions would be incredible for me! I'm so proud of Chase because he deserves it and this way he can get his scholarship but when he says stuff like that it puts it into perspective how far away from that I am.

When Chase spoke to our tutor about his UCAS points and stuff, our tutor said 'You'll be fine,' more or less. Chase has more than enough UCAS points and he'll actually have to fail some units to get below the 320 UCAS points he wants for the scholarship. When I spoke to our tutor he said '...I wouldn't bank all your money on getting the 320, Leigh. Don't get your hopes up.'

I sometimes wish I was like Chase. He's talents and smart and self assured.

I'm not allowed to get my hopes up.

today!

i know, I knowww.

I am so excited.

It feels like Christmas eve and I'mn counting down the hours until Santa is coming.

In only a matter of hours

Mere hours!

Chasey will be homeee!

Oh god.

I still have a lot to do for work but I can do it in tomorrows lessons. I need my beautiful sleep for my gorgeous boyfriend! Ahhhhkkk.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be such a good day!

Tomorrow will be my last day of college and while thats a good thing [work, yesss] it means I won't see some people in my class and will see less of my friends [boo!]

And tomorrowwwww

My Chasey is home!

I can't tell you how excited I am!

The thought that when I wake up I'll be hours from seeing him makes me want to go to sleep now!

I've missed him so much, eeek.

Alsoo, I've started planning my birthday this year and it's going to be amazing. I'm having a murder mystery night in 1940's France set is Casablanca. I brought the box last night and I actually can't wait.

My Grandads still is hospital, he seems to be getting worse now to be honest. He's on chemotherapy and it's making him sick. It's upsetting me because my Nan is really upset about it all. I don't want to think about her on her own.

At least when Chase comes home he can cuddle me and cheer me up.

Because he is home tomorrowwww

I can express how excited I am.

But I've still got to finish fictional writing.

Joy.

I've set up my diet blog http://leighsdiet.blogspot.com and will start that probably on Wednesday or something.

Eeeks.

Shitty Friday

Today has been really bad.

really, really bad.

On the plus side, I have until Monday to do fictional writing instead of today - but I'm not sure of what the consequences are of this.

I'm so tired. Tired in general, tired of college, tired of this!

I love my life, I do, but I want something exciting right now. I hate Chase being away, I do need him here right now. Really badly.

My Grandad has cancer.

He's had it for a while, blood cancer it is, and he keeps going from 'don't plan to the future' to 'he's nearly completely fine', but right now he's in hospital. He came over the weekend just gone and he looked so weak, so frail - it was the first time I'd seen him since he'd been diagnoised and it scared me, it reminded me so much of my Nan.

And now he's back in hospital, I hate this because I get scared everytime the phone rings incase it's 'Oh, he died.' I get this big lump in my throat and stop breathing.

I just want Chase here, just to talk about it or just to... be there. I love my friends and they've been really surportive and asking me if I'm okay via text and msn and I appreciate it sooo much. But what I would give to just be cuddled really tightly...

College is getting me down. I dread going in now, the teachers are pissing about and my brain is hurting.

I want it to be over, I really do because I can feel myself going crazy. Like today, I searched all thorough my bag twice for an assignment I WAS HOLDING IN MY HAND. It got to the point where I was gonna cry until I saw I was holding it. 

I want to go to sleep and not wake up until July 3rd, I really do. I hope it all finishes on Monday because if I have to come in I wont be able to take any more of this, I really wont. It's like I'm being asked if I want to re-do evaluations 'It'll only be a bit, boost you to a good merit' and I dont want to, I don't care anymore. I just want this year over.

I feel so drained and so exhausted. I go from sleeping so heavy for hours and hours to waking up every 10 minutes and I'm still absolutely tired when I wake up in the morning.

I want my Chasey. I want the big brother eviction tonight and I want July 3rd.

Please make it happen.

Thank you.

On another note, I'm gonna start a diet blog over the weekend because I want to loose weight desperately for Summer.

I'm going to France with Chase to visit my family and they're all stupidly skinny and always make comments about how fat I am. So, fingers crossed, I can lose enough weight to stop the comments.

Missing Goodnight

It has been like... 5 hours since Chase went to Download.

I know that isn't a lot but I already hate it

I already hate that I'm getting tired and I know when I sign off my laptop and I go to sleep I wont have 'Goodnight Leighbles, I love you. Xxxx'

I've had that for more or less a year now and it feels so... alien to have it just stop. No 'Goodnight Leighbles' and then, when I wake up, no 'Hallo Leighbles.' I really don't like it I miss all of this and all of him already.

I actually hate it.

I want my 'Goodnight Leighbles' every night, I don't want them to stop. I like him being the last person I speak to before I go to sleep and the first person I speak to when I wake up and I absolutely hate that this week it won't be like that.

Ughhh. 

Stress ache.

I haven't post a blog in weeks... ageees this is because of two reasons.

1) I haven't had anything interesting to say or get off my chest

and, 2) I haven't had the time because of all my college work.

All my college work has to be in on Friday, more or less, and eek... 

I am so not getting the grades I need for 320 ucas points and that scares me so much. It upsets me too, if I'm not capable of doing it then, am I capable of going to university? Because if I can't hack this, if I'm only getting merits and passes then how can I cope with university? I'm not so sure anymore.

It's not that I don't want to go uni. I do, I'm terrified, but I want to go. I'm just not sure if I should anymore.

I'm getting passes in units I thought I was doing really well in, or at least okay in anyway. I just don't know anymore. I really don't.

Chase is going away for a week, he's going to Download festival until Monday afternoon. And that means, not seeing or speaking to him until Monday. I wish he wasn't going, or that he was going later on because I'm getting really panicky and my chest hurts and I'm sure I'm gonna have a really big panic attack sooner or later and I don't know what I'm going to do because he won't be here.

I know that might sound selfish and I am glad he's going because he gets to see his favourite band ever [faith no more] but I just neeeed him here right now and it's gonna suck so much without him.

I want to cry but I can't.

I have an entire unit to finish before tomorrow.

Fun, fun, fun.