I take it back

Everything I said in my last post, I take it back.

Me and Chase had a long chat over dinner the other night.

I love him, like an insane amount and I know that he loves me too.

He said that, for him, not living together is more about him wanting to do it on his own first. And that, next year, in our third year, he wants to live with me. That gives him one year to experience everything on his own and get enough money so we can live together comfortably.

And this entire Christmas we had the most amazing time together. We laughed and spent lots of time in bed just cuddling and talking. He came to mine on Boxing Day and spent up until yesterday there when we went shopping and out for dinner.

I am a very lucky girl and the next time I forget that, I give you permission to punch me.

Boyfriend troubles

Right now my relationship with Chase is perfect.

Or at least that's what I'd have to believe.

I feel that sometimes, if I let on to people if me and Chase are having problems [even the tiniest ones] like our relationship is shit in their eyes. And I know, when it comes down to it, their opinion does not matter one bit, but I don't want people to think that.

In the scheme of things our relationship is pretty damn perfect.

We don't argue.

We love each other completely

He buys me presents just because

I buy him things that remind me of him

He calls just to hear my voice

We talk on webcam when we can't be together

And when we are together everythings incredible

Our relationship is about love and about fun.

But then something happens

And it doesn't change anything, at least not normally for him.

Recently, I've been finding places to live for the next year - halls of residence are only there for first years.

And I said to Chase about me and him living together because it'll be awesome. Waking up next to him every day and going to sleep next to him every night, cooking him dinner and coming home to him every day sounds like my idea of bliss.

Plus, I'd much rather live with him [my boyfriend of 18 months] than some people that, although I do like, I have only known for 3 months.

Chase chose the latter. He would rather live with one of my housemates who he's really close to, than me.

Yeah.

Now he says this is because he doesn't want anything to change between us. That if we live together we could break up and he's happy with the way things are.

But all I hear is 'Chances are we'll break up before next September anyway/I'm not that happy with you anymore/I don't want to live with you.'

I mean, why else would he want to live with someone he's only known for a few months over me?

When people ask me about it 'Oh, are you not going to be living with Chase next year?' I just say what he said to me, not believing it myself, 'We like things the way they are. A lot could change if we lived together.'

As well, it seems like everybody is moving forward. Girlfriends and boyfriends are moving in together, my step-brother just got ENGAGED to his girlfriend of 8/9 months...

I'm not looking for engagement, definitely not, but I'm fed up of this.

One of my flatmates is moving in with her boyfriend and I asked her if she thought that was a good idea, what if they broke up? What if things changed? And she said;

"Maybe. But then maybe not. I'd rather have 2, 3, 4 months of living together really, really happily than this. I mean, if you love each other enough to live together, you love each other enough to work through all your problems. There's no point in a relationship if you don't love each other enough to work through your problems.'

I don't think Chase loves me enough sometimes.

Long time coming

So I haven't updated this since I first moved into my accommodation, about 10 weeks a go. That's shocking considering over summer this was my only source of outlet.

Perhaps it's because now I don't have much to vent.

I mean, I'm still with Chase - perhaps even closer and more in love now than before, I have these two amazing friends who I'm super close to even though it's only been 2 and a half months, 80% of my flat are incredible.

The work is shit though.

Super, super shit.

In fact, I pretty much hate my course - just because, at the moment, we're not doing anything I want to do. At all.

A guy I'm working with at the moment is pretty much like Hitler in that he constantly e-mails and texts me about work that is either a) out of my control or b) something I've already done.

Decembers really hard for me and having him on my back the entire time is something I find really hard to cope with.

But I have Chase, so that's all good.

My eatings getting better - I cook meals for myself all the time, pasta bake and chicken and potatoes etc.

I wish I didn't eat as much but I'm trying, I've joined the gym - Now i just have to go.

I'm waiting for Chase to come home to me now, I've washed my clothes, tidied my room and I'm gonna cook chicken chow mein for dinner tonight. To be honest, I've got a pretty good life right now.

Money Issues

My student loan is not here. It's nearly week 3 of my university course and I have not had one letter or payment schedule for my loan. Everyone else has got them.

This means this everyone else has money.

Everybody else can go out drinking.

Everybody else can go on trips to the cinema.

Everybody else can go to the pub on their lunch breaks.

Everybody else can go shopping together.
Everybody else can go out for dinner.

Hi Leigh, what are you doing today?

...Staying in.

I don't go out drinking because I haven't got the money.

I can't go on trips to the cinema because it's expensive.

I can't afford to go to the pub on my lunch break

I don't have the money to go shopping [or the food to warrant not shopping]

I eat pasta for dinner. Every night.

This is, honestly, ruining university for me.

I haven't been able to join any clubs, buy any materials or experience university to the fullest because I have no money.

I have£10 to last me until my loan comes in which, by the way, isn't even finished yet [Thanks Student finance England!] so I'm not gonna be holding my breath.

Freshers Week Issues

Tonight, four days into my freshers week I cried for the first time.

Not about moving out.

Not about not knowing anybody.

Not about leaving my Mum.

Not about getting homesick.

But because, the only time I have seen my boyfriend in the past 3 days has been with EVERYBODY else around. I'm fed up of sitting next to him in a kitchen when 4 or 5 other people are there and he's barely speaking to me. I am also fed up of him barely speaking to me.

Last night, he spent the night in some guys flat that he doesn't know rather than come over to mine - what is up with that? Today, he barely spoke to me and seemed to invite my flatmates out whilst completely ignoring me.

I mean... Is that normal?

I miss him and sure I understood that it was gonna be busy and stuff in Freshers but I'm pissed off about him putting everybody else before me and then being like 'Oh... Yeah, I forgot I DO have a girlfriend who now lives 5 minutes away.'

Hello from Bede Hall!

I am officially completely and utterly moved out of Harborough and into a cute little place called Bede Hall.

It's gorgeous and I love it. I love my flat mates who are wicked, I love our kitchen and my room [not the bathroom though, its a bit rank tbh] and I love how close I am to the uni.

I would post more, but I have to be up at 9am tomorrow for my induction, everybody else isn't up to at least 11am, 12pm and it sucks knowing I'm the only one awake so early and they can all have lie ins, but hopefully I'll be done quicker... Hopefully.

I'll post more tomorrow or tuesday when I have more news.

The boyfriend and the sister

In 7 days I'll be living on my own.

That feels weird.

There's a couple of things I want to talk about.

1. Chase
2. My sister

Chase is really sick today. He was meant to come to my house for the weekend because my parents are away. I understand that he's sick - his chest is tight and he's vomiting - but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed. In 7 days we wont be able to spend all our time together, we'd spend less time together than ever before and I want to make the most of the time we have together before everything changes. Him being sick, although it isn't his fault, takes 2, 3, 4 (??) days off that.

My sister is a whore. There we go, I've said it. I love her and, people who read this and know her may disagree, but before I said anything I just want to stress - there's stuff I know about her, things she's told me, that other people don't know. I know more about her than anyone else, that's what comes with being sisters and best friends with someone for 5 years.

I love her, I do. But recently she's changed so much, whereas she was happy having a crush on some guy working in a shop a few years back now she has to start leading on guys 6 years older than her with 3 kids.

She's started treating guys like toys now, to use and play with until she's bored or something better comes along and, to be honest, that's not right with me.

On top of that, I don't appreciate hearing 'do you think Chase'll cheat on you in freshers week? I mean, Chase is a good looking guy and... There's gonna be really good looking girls there... I mean, you probably can't compete'

Nice.

Bath Deprivation

Today, I realise how much I am actually looking forward to moving out.

After months and months and months of a half finished bathroom, my Mum has made my stepdad finish tiling the floor. This means that every now and again, whenever he feels like doing it, our bathroom is an out-of-bounds area.

Yesterday was one of these such days, I had to brush my teeth in the kitchen sink in the morning and went out, spending the entire day walking around in Leicester - I wanted nothing more than to lie in the bath when I got home and relax. But no, for some reason the bath had discard bits of tiles, dirt and a washing basket in it. This was how the coversation went;

Me: Mum, I really want a bath tonight. I feel all dirty and sweaty from walking around all day.

Mum: Well... Can you have a bath tomorrow?

Me: Chase is coming round tomorrow, I want a bath before I see him.

Mum: It'll be ready in the morning, have one then.

So, come morning, I wake up at 9am to the noises of my step dad tiling the bathroom some more. There was a breakdown in communication or plotting against me, but either way - I am not allowed a bath this morning.

So I wait.

Until 1pm, when I figure Chase should be here in a few hours - that gives me time to have a bath, dry my hair, get dressed and do my make-up before he gets here.

Me: Mum, can I have a bath now?

Mum: [Pulls face]... No.

Me:.... why?

Mum: Because Daves grouting the tiles.

Me:.... But you said I could have one this morning.

Mum: Just wait about 3 hours or something

I feel disgusting and dirty and greasy. Chase didn't come round my house yesterday and that really upset me and annoyed me, but now I'm kinda hoping he doesn't come today because I feel icky. [This is of course a lie, if he didn't come I'd be just as pissed - but it's the only silver lining that I've got because chances are he's gonna be another no-show today]

But yknow, Mum's happy because she's getting the bathroom done, My stepdads happy because my Mums happy and my brothers happy because he's a boy and barely showers anyway.

It's only me that cares I havent had a bath in two days.

Dammit!

Moving on and moving out

I finally got my accommodation!

One that's beautiful and lovely and that, most importantly, I can afford. In 4 weeks I will be moving out, only an hour away from home, to a little flat that I'm going to share with TEN people! Yes, ten!

I am so excited!

I went to visit it yesterday, just the outside as it was a Sunday and it was closed. It's so amazing. It overlooks this beautiful river and theres all these balcolnies, although I'm on the ground floor so I wont have one, and the whole thing backs onto this private green area and then theres a park not so far away. About 100 yards down the road theres a couple of takeaways and a sainsburys and this pub that looks really pretty. It's about a 5 minute walk from the university, literally just up the road. There's about 3 or 4 other halls of residence just down the road as well so it's all very central and just... gorgeous!

Did I mention I was excited?

It's not ensuite so, yes, the idea of sharing a bathroom with 10 people fills me with complete and utter dread but I have a cute little sink in my bedroom that I can wash my face in and stuff beforehand.

Seeing it yesterday made it all real for me, it's only a couple of weeks until I start university and until I move in. That's insane.

I feel like I've come such a far way and that this time two years a go I wouldn't have even let the thought of moving away enter my head - and yes, it is only an hour away, but it's still a big step for me. If you knew me, you'd understand.

I can't wait to be all grown up, have my friends around for dinner and let them get ready around my place before we go out. To be able to utter the phrase;

"Do you wanna come round mine for a bit before we go out/go to the cinema/go shopping," etc and not have to plan buses and taxis home. That's something I'm really looking forward to.

In my last blog, I said how I really wanted to move out because of my Mum. That's still true, I wont deny that she makes me feel a little claustraphobic and like I'm not allowed to grow up sometimes. But seeing the way she got a bit upset and me moving made me realise how much I'll miss her when the time actually comes to move out. I'm not saying, I didn't think I was going to miss her before, I just didn't know how MUCH I was going to miss her.

And my brother. It'll be awful leaving both of them.

But onwards and upwards.

This feels like the turning point in my life.

I wish I was pretty

I really wish I was pretty.

I really wish I was thin.

I really wish I had been blessed with good genes.

It annoys me when you see people who, annoyingly, have everything. I'm not talking about celebrities, but those excruciatingly popular girls at school. The ones that are gorgeous and sexy with the impossible figures and the hunky boyfriends and even the high grades and the good friends.

I wish I was one of those girls.

I'm not.

I went out of Saturday with a few friends and my boyfriend and had such a good time. A few of the pictures taken that night have made me cry. Like, actually cry.

This is one of them;

Thats me and one of my friends, Rachel, who is beautiful and thin and gorgeous. Just generally one of the 'perfect' girls. The girl next to her is me.

Notice the make-up having run, the horrible greasy-looking, flat hair, the moles on the face etc. Notice the arm that's twice the size of Rachels, the wideness of me, the way my stomach sticks out, how far my face is, the actually rolls of fat.

Just looking at that photo makes me feel sick.

I've been trying so hard to lose weight, why is it not working? Like, not working at all! I look bigger than I did when I started. I don't know what to do or how I can face University in September when I look like that! I can't even put into words how bad this photo makes me feel. How hopeless and sick and upset I feel by just looking at this photo and knowing this is what everyone sees me when they look at me.

There's other photos where you can see my belly stiking out of my top, where my arms are huge and photos where I look disgusting.

Every ounce of self confidence I have is now gone.

I wish I was thin

I wish I was pretty.

Holding Back

What happens when you're holding someone back?

I mean, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Sometimes you have to let them go BECAUSE you love them.

I do love him, more than I can put in words, more than I thought it was possible to love anybody ever before.

But so much is going on, so much is changing and so much is going to change.

I know I'll just hold them back - stop him from being the person he's capable of. He probably know this too by now.

All the people he could meet that would be better for he, all the opportunities to go out and meet more people rather than staying in with me and all the (and I hate to say this) girls that will suit him better than I do.

He deserves the best and I know he's settled for 'Ok at best'. I'd hate myself if I stood in the way of all the people and the opportunities and the girls that the future holds for him. If he didn't experience it to the full because of me and my whining and jealousy and love I wouldn't be a very nice person, I wouldn't love him if I did, would I?

And, because I have a feeling he knows this.

I also have a feeling that the end is coming.

I'm picking stupid fights to make it as unpainful as possible when it does happen because I know it's going to hurt so much.

But like I said, if you love someone you should do whats best for them, not whats best for you.

Even if you do get your heart broken in the process.

It's 6am and I haven't been asleep yet - I can't sleep, everything is going so fast through my brain that I can't stop thinking about it, picturing worst case scenarios. I'm hoping writing this will get it out of my system and let me sleep a little.

I'm just hoping against hope I'm wrong, but the way he's been acting, the things he's been saying - I'm not holding out too much hope. Prepare yourself for the worst, I guess.

Weight loss

I have decided

I am going to lose weight!

And I'm going to do this healthily and sensibly. I know I wrote about this a while a go, but I have actually started now, this isn't just a pipe dream anymore.

I go running nearly every day, I eat chicken and salad and fruit every day!

Accommodation and Living

Despite going to university in Leicester, an hour away from where I live and a pretty easy commute, I am so set on living in the halls. This is for a few reasons;

1) An hour, although 1 bus ride, is a long time twice a day. Plus there'll be really long breaks - long enough to have nothing to do, not long enough to go all the way home and back again.

2) I don't think I can grow up if I keep living with my Mum. Chances are when I'm done with University, I'll move out anyway and I want to be able to cook, wash and looking after myself by then.

3) I want the life - I want to be able to go out at night with 5 minutes notice and not have to worry about getting home [buses to Harborough finish at 6pm and taxis cost around £50] or even getting there.

Lastly, and probably the biggest reason why,

4) I am fed up of living with my Mum

Don't get me wrong - I love my Mum, she is amazing and I wouldn't swap her for the world. On the other hand, she treats me like a 9 year old and not like a 19 year old. I get told off if I go into my brothers bedroom at 10pm and ask him a question, I get moaned at if I don't fancy dinner.

I'm worried that we'll have such a big arguement one day that it'll really ruin our relationship and I don't know how far off in the future that is.

I applied for accomodation really early, in March, as soon as the application went online. It is now August. On 17th September all students move into their accommodation. And I still haven't heard anything.

There's people from Harborough who have, people who applied after me too, and my application still says 'pending' on it.

I think I'll cry if I don't get it.

I haven't got any other options.

In Love

Since I and Chase have been together for over a year now [as of 16th July] it will come as no surprise that I am in love with him [who would spend a year with another person if they didn't love them?!]. It does, however, come as much of a surprise to me how much I love him and how much of an impact he has on my day to day life.

We went to France for a week together to see my Dad and his family. It was a really nice trip, not a holiday as such, but a really nice week away together. I spent the week before with him as well. That's like an entire fortnight! A whole two weeks sharing the same bed and spending more or less the whole time together. I will not lie, I was looking forward to stretching out in bed and using the best pillows and wathing what I want to on TV as soon as he went back to his house. But there's so much I miss aswell that I didn't anticipate.

I miss his cuddles and the way he would say goodnight to me, I miss waking up to him sleeping, I miss having him nearly yank my arm out of place so I can snuggle up to him, I miss him moaning about how much noise I make in the mornings when he's still asleep, I miss how his faces changes and goes all soft when he speaks to me, I miss how his voice changes when he talks to me too, I miss how he when everybodys talking around us he winks at me and mouths that he loves me.

And, this morning, as I lie here at 6am - I miss all the space he takes up in bed, I miss him squashing me against the wall, I miss him complaining that I stole all the covers.

Chase does this one thing that annoys me so much. He'll move me so I'm lying on my side facing away from him and he'll come up really close to me and put his arms around me and cuddle me really tightly and put his head on mine so his mouth is near my ear. Which I love. And then, when I'm all relaxed and ready to sleep, he starts snoring - REALLY snoring. Right in my ear. But I even miss that!

Like I said, it surprised me how much I missed him when he was gone - for a while we've stayed over each others houses for a couple of days a week and I'd gotten used to that. But having unlimited Chase access for over a fortnight and then having it taken away was a shock to the system, to be honest. It made me realise how much I do miss him when he's not here, it feels like my right arms been chopped off and I can't get used to life without it.

He's gonna have to come live with me soon - that's the best option really!

The Next Chapter

I've been thinking a lot about my life recently, and where I'm going - there's a lot of things I want to talk about and what my aspirations are with them ultimately.

Career and education:

At the moment:

In September I shall be attending De Montfort University to do a degree in Media Production. I am so excited - nervous, but excited all the same. It's such a good course with a lot of the aspects of the course I just studied along with a bunch of new stuff. I absolutely love the idea of working in the media industry - on films, TV or advertisements - it would be a dream and I know I'm going to enjoy the vast majority of the four years I'm studying for.

In reality:

I'm not sure if I'd be able to work in the media industry - it's so competitive and I'm not sure if I have the drive, skills of creativity to make my mark. Although I am looking forward to another 4 years of media, I'm not sure if I'm wasting money on something I wont use in my future. But then, that brings up the question, what do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? And, the honest answer is, I don't know. Realistically, I don't know. Ultimately, I would love to be a writer - it's something I enjoy with such a passion and I would love to be able to dedicate myself to it but I know it's a stupid little fantasy - and just as competitive as media.

Love

At the moment:

I feel like it's the 'next chapter' in mine and Chase's relationship - on Thursday, two days away, we will have been together for a year. This is, by far, my longest relationship and my most serious - his too. We're also going on holiday together to France to visit my family next Monday also.

In reality:

I feel really insecure in my relationship with Chase. It is nothing at all to do with him - but entirely my own thoughts that plague me constantly. My Dad cheated on my Mum and then left her. As this was what I was brought up with, and what I was brought up to believe was a 'functional relationship', I am constantly worried Chase will do the same to me. I feel nothing but happy and safe when I'm with him - but when he goes out I feel worried and paranoid. I can't stop thinking of all the thinks he could do while he's out. I know that makes me sound like a clingy girlfriend from hell, and trust me - I feel it sometimes, but I'm not. I've just been brought up believing than men cheating on their girlfriends/wives is normal and expected - so I expect it. I'm just worried beause I don't want our relationship to end any time soon.

Family

At the moment:

I'm not entirely sure what to say about my family. It is the next chapter because it will be the first time I've seen my Dad in a year - most of which I didn't speak to him. I'm terrified of going and seeing him. It's also the next chapter because, as of September, chances are I will no longer be living with my Mum and my Brother - this is both exhilerating and nervewracking. Getting out of this town will be a God send but leaving them? I'm not so sure.

In reality:

Ask me when I come back from France.

Body

At the moment:

I will always give different people, different answers when they ask how I see my body or if it comes up in conversation. If you are in my family, I will say 'I am happy with my body at the moment apart from [insert small feature here]'. If you are thinner than I am I will say 'I hate my body and I want to lose weight desperately.'

In reality:

I'm not sure which answers the most honest, probably the second. I am happy with the way I look for the most part but I have so many things that, given the chance I would change - tummy, bum, thighs, arms. In the past, I have starved myself - eaten around 500 calories a day. I have exerised off most, if not all, of the calories I had ate. I have used laxatives and tried to purge. I have lost a lot of weight these ways - I have dropped down to nearly a size 6 - lost 2 and a half stone. It consumed me entirely and this is the only place I have ever spoken about it before. I don't want to do it again because I don't want to be the person I was back then. I cared about nothing but exercising, calories, avoiding food and myself. I have friends and a boyfriend now, I didn't back then, and I don't want to lose them. All I did was exercise and count calories during the day, consuming nothing but water to sustain me. When my parents got home, I would go to bed and try to avoid dinner and make the excuses to avoid as much as possible. I don't want to do that again, I want to go out and have fun instead of living a half existance.

I want to lose weight healthily this time round, but I'm scared I'll get pulled back into the hurricane like last time. I have no one to confide in about this, no one who can help me.

All done!

So college is completely and officially over, I feel really sad actually. I'll really miss the people there, I'll really miss everything about it. There's so much I want to say to people but I don't have the chance so, anonymously; [If you can guess who they're about, well done to you!]

1) You're annoying. So very, very annoying. Even though we're doing the same course at Uni I hope to GOD we're not in the same class because no matter how much I like you OUT of college, in classes you're nothing but rude. You butt in when people are speaking to teachers, you give no thoughts about stepping over someone else to get what you want. You're rude and I hate you. I hope this is goodbye.

2) I like you but I'm so frigging fed up of you flirting with my boyfriend like I'm invisible. You're really a nice person but you haven't got two brain cells to rub together, love.

3) I think I misunderstood you - that chat we had on Friday night made me look at you in a different light. I always thought you were self-confident, self-obsessed and self-obsorbed but you're not. You're self-concious and that's why you act the way you are. I am sorry for all the bad thoughts I've had about you, I have so much respect for you now.

4) You are supposed to be my friend but that message you left me on the last day; 'It was nice working with you. Have a good future' You're hardly as close as I thought you were. By the way, nice touch on not even wishing me a happy birthday!

5) You're nice but you're up yourself. Time to face the facts: You're not going to change history, you're making yourself look like a fool. But I do like you, I really do.

6) You are the nicest person I know. I love you and everything about you! You are one of the best friends I have and I don't want to lose you. I'm so glad we're going to the same university because you've been more of a support to me these past two years than I could tell you.

7) I wish we were like this in the first year. You are incredible. You are lovely. You are talented. I was so lucky to work with you - that project was my ultimate favourite thing in the past two years. I loved it and you're not going to get rid of me for the foreseeable future.

8) What you said to me in Pizza Hut summed you up for me perfectly. Boring and conceited. I'm glad I'm not going to see you again, I got fed up of you belittling me with your achievements. Oh and as for your message, 'Read more books'?? Fuck off and don't add 'LOL' to the end of your messages, retard.

9) Friday night made me realise how sad I was for not getting to know you better these two years.

10) I'm glad you didn't ruin Friday for me :) Thanks for not showing up and letting me spend the time with everybody I actually love. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that. I'm really happy I don't have to see you ever again!

11) You going so far away really upsets me, you mean a lot to me and I hope you don't choose your 'cool new friends' when you come home for holidays over the people who actually love you for you and not just your band.

12) It's a shame I didn't speak to you for the best part of two years. You're a little bit annoying and self-obsessed but I really like you. You gave good advice to me and you did look after me when I need it. I hope I don't stop talking to you - I do count you as a good friend to me.

13) I hate you. Actually hate you. Please stop trying to be my friend, we're not 'buddies'. You're a twat tbh and I'm looking forward to not seeing you three times a week next year. Thank Christ, you annoying little man.

14) You really made me laugh! I hope I see you next year because you were hilarious and I really, really liked you.

15) Because you're the last person left, I love you anyway - but you already knew that.

Score out of 15??

I'm absolutely terrified of starting University now, now College is OFFICIALLY over the beginning is nigh! I'm so scared about everything to do with starting. It's such a big step from College, it really is.

But I'm sure there'll be plenty of blogs about that over summer anyway.

Coping

My grandads really not getting well, I really can't cope with this anymore, I can't go through it all again. I'm so scared.

Please just make sure he's okay, or take him quickly - I don't want to have to feel sick constantly with worry over this. It's just too much. It brings everything up that happened with my Nan and I really don't want to do this again. I just can't.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm not getting the ucas points I need - there's no way I'm gonna manage to get the scholarship. I feel like such a failiure. I should've known from the start I wasn't capable of it - I'm just too stupid, too dumb to understand and to get it. I feel like a complete fuck up for thinking I could try.

I don't know what I want anymore. I feel empty, I feel sick from crying, I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and never come out again. I miss Chase, I want him home. I just need someone right now. Anyone. Please just look after me.

Ughhh

I feel just so... negative.

I keep crying for no reason and I don't know why.

I can't tell anyone about it because the next logical question is 'Why?' and I don't know, I really don't know.

I'm normally really happy at this time of the year - It's summer, it's nearly my birthday and there's nice weather. But I don't understand what's going on?

I feel like I'm going a bit stir crazy. I'm just not... feeling anything any more. My Grandads still in hospital and I can't go to see him - I just can't see him all thin and frail in hospital again.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I want out.

Birthdays

On Friday it's Chase's 19th Birthday. I'm really quite excited.

I brought him Steven K Amos tickets, which he knows about, and then I've downloaded a bunch of movies, brought him lots of sweets and chocolate and got take-away menus for him to choose from - my treat. I'm gonna buy him some beer and we'll spend the night in together. Frankly, I've spent a lot of money and put a lot of effort into his present and thinking up something good for us to do together.

I can't see him doing anything like this for my birthday.

I sent him a list a while a go, after he asked, of stuff I wanted for my birthday. They included the usual - books and CDs and DVDs, to special things I'd really like - A picnic, dinner out, a mixed tape, photo album etc. I much prefer these type of things to material possesions any day but I have a feeling I'll get a book or something. It's not that I won't be happy with it, I love anything he buys me. I just sometimes wish he'd put more effort into it.

It's not just Chase - I have organised and thrown 4 or 5 surprise parties for my friends and family. I've went to the trouble of inviting everyone, sorting out food, decorations, drink, everything... Yet I know, that no one would consider doing this for me.

For my sisters 18th Birthday I got in contact with all her friends and all her family, I made her a book with loads of messages from all of them in and lots of pictures. I know I wouldn't get one of these at all.

I feel like if I don't organise anything for my birthday, I won't do anything. People won't even think 'Lets meet up tonight at the pub for Leigh's birthday,'

I know I'm nothing special, just sometimes it annoys me.

When people say 'What dya fancy for your birthday?' I always say 'Oh no, it's okay. I don't really want anything...' because I feel like if they were really bothered about what to get me, they'd already know. Yknow? I don't tend to ask people what they want for their birthdays - I listen and remember.

Sometimes I just wish people would make a big deal of me and my birthday like I do when it comes to theres. But I know they won't, so what's the point?

FYI: I love Chase, he always buys me something nice that I love - it's just this gave me something to illustrate my point with.

Goodbye good mood

Tonight I went to my sisters fashion show, it was incredible and she won the most innovative designs award from like these industry professionals. They gave out about 4 awards all together, there was more than 100 fashion students there and she won! Out of everybody, she won!

I was so proud of her, like to the point where I was welling up. She did so well and I can't express how I happy I am she won. Her designs were pretty damn incredible afterall.

But

It got me thinking

My sister obviously has a real, honest to god talent for Fashion. She just... has it, yknow? So... What do I have? I mean lets break it down;

I want to work in media but I'm not sure where

I like making videos but my ideas aren't brilliant and I can't film very good.

I'm shit at taking photographs

I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to do radio

I can't edit or use software all that well

I don't know anything that thousands of other people, other students do... I haven't got anything. Nothing special. I can write a decent essay if I try, exciting. That's not gonna further my future at all.

But apart from that

I'm not musical at all, I can't sing, I can't act, I can't dance, I can't draw, I can't make stuff, I can't cook...

Chase is an incredible bass player - hearing him play is just something else and he just tends to be able to play instruments amazingly as soon as he picks them up.

My brother studies carpentry and somehow just managed to become incredible at it, he's one of the best in the class and he's always producing these amazing things he's made from scratch - tables, chairs, wardrobes.

My other sister is an incredible drawer.

It feels like I don't have that, it's like if someone else did this blog, they could write 'Oh yeah, Leigh's a good... Erm... Well, I mean... She's alright at lots of stuff really... Um, Leigh's a good person, yeah.' because, trust me on this one, there's absolutely nothing about me that sounds out - nothing that's special, nothing I'm proud of, nothing that anybody will remember.

It's not that I want to be famous and I want all the glory.

I'd just like to have something I can excel at instead of a couple of things that I'm average at.

I'm fed up of being average, of looking average, of getting average grades. I want to be good at something! Just anything. I want to have something I love, that I'm good at, and that I can put all my passion into, because sometimes I feel so boring.

I know there's nothing exciting about me, and I wish there was.

I'm also really worried that I won't get the grades I need. I've handed in all my work and now... now it's out of my hands. I don't know my grades and I don't even know when I'm gonna get my grades.

This brings me back to what I've just been saying - there's no units I know I'm gonna get distinctions in, there's no units I even think I'm gonna get distinctions in. Chase often says 'I'm gonna have to settle for 4 distinctions,' when he's counting up what grades he's getting. It makes me feel like absolute shit because I'd love to be able to settle for 4 distinctions, 4 distinctions would be incredible for me! I'm so proud of Chase because he deserves it and this way he can get his scholarship but when he says stuff like that it puts it into perspective how far away from that I am.

When Chase spoke to our tutor about his UCAS points and stuff, our tutor said 'You'll be fine,' more or less. Chase has more than enough UCAS points and he'll actually have to fail some units to get below the 320 UCAS points he wants for the scholarship. When I spoke to our tutor he said '...I wouldn't bank all your money on getting the 320, Leigh. Don't get your hopes up.'

I sometimes wish I was like Chase. He's talents and smart and self assured.

I'm not allowed to get my hopes up.

today!

i know, I knowww.

I am so excited.

It feels like Christmas eve and I'mn counting down the hours until Santa is coming.

In only a matter of hours

Mere hours!

Chasey will be homeee!

Oh god.

I still have a lot to do for work but I can do it in tomorrows lessons. I need my beautiful sleep for my gorgeous boyfriend! Ahhhhkkk.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is going to be such a good day!

Tomorrow will be my last day of college and while thats a good thing [work, yesss] it means I won't see some people in my class and will see less of my friends [boo!]

And tomorrowwwww

My Chasey is home!

I can't tell you how excited I am!

The thought that when I wake up I'll be hours from seeing him makes me want to go to sleep now!

I've missed him so much, eeek.

Alsoo, I've started planning my birthday this year and it's going to be amazing. I'm having a murder mystery night in 1940's France set is Casablanca. I brought the box last night and I actually can't wait.

My Grandads still is hospital, he seems to be getting worse now to be honest. He's on chemotherapy and it's making him sick. It's upsetting me because my Nan is really upset about it all. I don't want to think about her on her own.

At least when Chase comes home he can cuddle me and cheer me up.

Because he is home tomorrowwww

I can express how excited I am.

But I've still got to finish fictional writing.

Joy.

I've set up my diet blog http://leighsdiet.blogspot.com and will start that probably on Wednesday or something.

Eeeks.

Shitty Friday

Today has been really bad.

really, really bad.

On the plus side, I have until Monday to do fictional writing instead of today - but I'm not sure of what the consequences are of this.

I'm so tired. Tired in general, tired of college, tired of this!

I love my life, I do, but I want something exciting right now. I hate Chase being away, I do need him here right now. Really badly.

My Grandad has cancer.

He's had it for a while, blood cancer it is, and he keeps going from 'don't plan to the future' to 'he's nearly completely fine', but right now he's in hospital. He came over the weekend just gone and he looked so weak, so frail - it was the first time I'd seen him since he'd been diagnoised and it scared me, it reminded me so much of my Nan.

And now he's back in hospital, I hate this because I get scared everytime the phone rings incase it's 'Oh, he died.' I get this big lump in my throat and stop breathing.

I just want Chase here, just to talk about it or just to... be there. I love my friends and they've been really surportive and asking me if I'm okay via text and msn and I appreciate it sooo much. But what I would give to just be cuddled really tightly...

College is getting me down. I dread going in now, the teachers are pissing about and my brain is hurting.

I want it to be over, I really do because I can feel myself going crazy. Like today, I searched all thorough my bag twice for an assignment I WAS HOLDING IN MY HAND. It got to the point where I was gonna cry until I saw I was holding it. 

I want to go to sleep and not wake up until July 3rd, I really do. I hope it all finishes on Monday because if I have to come in I wont be able to take any more of this, I really wont. It's like I'm being asked if I want to re-do evaluations 'It'll only be a bit, boost you to a good merit' and I dont want to, I don't care anymore. I just want this year over.

I feel so drained and so exhausted. I go from sleeping so heavy for hours and hours to waking up every 10 minutes and I'm still absolutely tired when I wake up in the morning.

I want my Chasey. I want the big brother eviction tonight and I want July 3rd.

Please make it happen.

Thank you.

On another note, I'm gonna start a diet blog over the weekend because I want to loose weight desperately for Summer.

I'm going to France with Chase to visit my family and they're all stupidly skinny and always make comments about how fat I am. So, fingers crossed, I can lose enough weight to stop the comments.

Missing Goodnight

It has been like... 5 hours since Chase went to Download.

I know that isn't a lot but I already hate it

I already hate that I'm getting tired and I know when I sign off my laptop and I go to sleep I wont have 'Goodnight Leighbles, I love you. Xxxx'

I've had that for more or less a year now and it feels so... alien to have it just stop. No 'Goodnight Leighbles' and then, when I wake up, no 'Hallo Leighbles.' I really don't like it I miss all of this and all of him already.

I actually hate it.

I want my 'Goodnight Leighbles' every night, I don't want them to stop. I like him being the last person I speak to before I go to sleep and the first person I speak to when I wake up and I absolutely hate that this week it won't be like that.

Ughhh. 

Stress ache.

I haven't post a blog in weeks... ageees this is because of two reasons.

1) I haven't had anything interesting to say or get off my chest

and, 2) I haven't had the time because of all my college work.

All my college work has to be in on Friday, more or less, and eek... 

I am so not getting the grades I need for 320 ucas points and that scares me so much. It upsets me too, if I'm not capable of doing it then, am I capable of going to university? Because if I can't hack this, if I'm only getting merits and passes then how can I cope with university? I'm not so sure anymore.

It's not that I don't want to go uni. I do, I'm terrified, but I want to go. I'm just not sure if I should anymore.

I'm getting passes in units I thought I was doing really well in, or at least okay in anyway. I just don't know anymore. I really don't.

Chase is going away for a week, he's going to Download festival until Monday afternoon. And that means, not seeing or speaking to him until Monday. I wish he wasn't going, or that he was going later on because I'm getting really panicky and my chest hurts and I'm sure I'm gonna have a really big panic attack sooner or later and I don't know what I'm going to do because he won't be here.

I know that might sound selfish and I am glad he's going because he gets to see his favourite band ever [faith no more] but I just neeeed him here right now and it's gonna suck so much without him.

I want to cry but I can't.

I have an entire unit to finish before tomorrow.

Fun, fun, fun.

issues

I know I've already blogged today,

but I want to write this, when I wrote my first blog it was something I wasn't sure if I wanted to put in or not - so I guess here it goes.

Last Tuesday for video production we presented a kids TV show and it was one of the first times I've been in front of the camera like that and yesterday we watched the footage back and I was shocked.

Truly and utter shocked.

I mean, I've never thought I was pretty. I have squatty eyes and a turn up nose and ratty hair and a long chin. I'm on the fat side of curvy, my bums bigger than average and my thighs are pretty big.

I never thought I was ugly though... I would've said 'plain'. I'm not anything spectacular but I'm not disgusting either.

Yet, when I watched the footage back and it got to my section I couldn't helped but be revolted. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time. My hair looked horrible, my face was huge, my teeth were horrible, I looked massive.... I was ugly.

I am ugly.

This obviously isn't a 'Look at me, I'm ugly. Compliment me please.' blog. It's just... I have no one else to say this too.

I can't say anything to Chase, he gets a bit angry if I say anything like this and says something about I shouldn't care what other people are going to think.

I can't say this to my Mum because she's biased.

I just feel so ugly. Like... disgusting, revolting, horrendous. 

I mean looking at that video tape it was like... Oh god, just awful.

I've always thought Chase was somewhat out of my league, like he's settled for me, and now since then I've felt like this more so than ever. Today, he went to college and when he spoke to me he mentioned something about how a girl had her boobs out, like she usually does and it really kinda... Not hurt me, just... stumped me.

It was like I felt like I had no boobs to speak of and that's why he noticed hers, obviously if he had said this two weeks a go I wouldn't have batted an eye lid because I know deep down Chase likes the way I look or it doesn't matter to him, either way I know he loves me, but this week it was just too much.

I didn't want to go to sainsburys today because I didn't want people to see my face because I thought they'd laugh and the ones that don't laugh are just too disgusted to do so.

It makes me not want to go into college any more, not go to university, not let Chase see me. Not until I'm pretty, or at least just plain again.

Same ole subject

So today,

I don't really have anything to blog about, I just feel like it. I'm really sleepy today - without moaning about it again, I think all this work is taking its toll on me. I just feel so drained.

I'm really looking forward to June 5th because then I will have all of my work done and dusted [although we do have a presentation to do on 15th (???)] and I can finallyyyy relax.

I plan on having a glass of wine and lying in bed all day and do nothing, like the good old days.

I think when I'm at Chase's house I feel more relaxed, we had a massive conversation yesterday about all this work. Basically, we're making magazines in a unit called Publishing. I'm in a group with two other people, Maria and Joe, and our magazine is a magazine about Leicester culture, like a guide for students and shit. We decided we would split the work evenly and work on everything together.

So the articles I had to do was a Restaurants guide, a page with 30 Reasons to study in Leicester and an interview with a band [this all includes the layout and pictures, obviously] I was working on the 30 Reasons article with Maria and the band interview with both of them.

Cue two months afterwards

Our magazine was meant to be finished by the Tuesday just gone. I, knowing it wasn't going to be finished if we didn't do anything sharpish, worked all weekend doing articles.

I did a Whats New page [that Joe was meant to do], a Gigs Listing guide, two adverts, the band interviews, the restaurant page and a past and present music article [that Joe was also meant to do] but I figured as long as it gets done that's okay with me.

Tuesday rolls around and we get in, Maria shows me her Clubs and Bars article [similar to my restaurant one] and it's only half-finished, so she spent the entire lesson finishing it off, I had to re-do the contents page Joe did [the only page he actually did in the end]

Then Maria had the cheek to tell me my page numbers were on the wrong side and I had to re-do them.

I figured I might aswell just work through lunch to get the 30 Reasons article finished [it was on the computers at college so I couldn't finish it over the weekend] Maria was all like 'Ohh no, you can't do thattt...' but quickly changed her tune, reminded me to get all her articles off the computer to put on my memory stick so I can 'do all the little changes' I also have to do the front cover and another advert Maria was meant to do.

As if I haven't got enough work.

Chase told me I shouldn't be doing other peoples work, and I know that...

But, because I know, they won't do it I have to finish it off otherwise I wont get a grade for that unit. Then I wont be able to finish my course.

It's like... I have no idea when my units will be done... Yknow...

I just feel so stressed.

What normally calms me down is having sex with Chase but because I'm on my frigging period I can't so I'm like snapping at anything and walking around all tense. 

Tonight

I plan on downloading a nice movie, buying some ice cream and just chilling out and not thinking about assignments or work. Maybe.

By the wayyyy

www.wiggle.slcollege.ac.uk

It's my college radio station and Chase is on tonight! From 7.30 - 9.30pm doing a Funk and Soul show. =]

"Im never drinking again! Bleuuughh!"

That, the title right up there, is what I was whispering to myself, whilst bent over the toilet bowl, trying not to get my hair in the way as I threw up. I'm a classy girl, really.

I thought I'd post a nice, upbeat, happy blog beings as my last few have been super depressing.

I feel really relaxed today, I'm listening to the radio, lying in bed, with a hangover, doing a bit of work [I've had a super productive weekend so maybe that's why I'm so chilled?] and getting ready for possibly my first roast dinner of 2009.

Last night I went to the engagement party of some guy I used to work with, it was really lovely and everyone was happy. It was the first engagement party I'd ever been to, or at least could remember, it made me all warm and fuzzy.

I like seeing people in love. It makes me think about Chase and how lucky I am to have him and feel the way I do.

It was our 10 month anniversary yesterday actually. 

When I came home, more than just a little bit drunk, I told him this;

Me: Happy 10 month-iversary by the way!

Chase: Oh is that today? Two more and it'll be a year!

Me: Do you think we'll make a year?

Chase: No.

Chase: ROFL

Chase: I'm kidding. Of course we will. I love you and I'll love you in 2 months time, I have no plans on leaving any time soon.

Things like that make my tummy warm and bubbly. I haven't seen him in all of 4 days, I think I might run up and jump on him when I see him tomorrow.

Sometimes I just feel completely and utterly at bliss when I'm with him. Like... just peaceful, and even though I'm not with him right now, I feel like that at the moment.

I'm a very lucky girl you know, I have amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, an amazing family. I should think about the positives more often, really. They normally outweigh the negatives.

I hope you enjoyed that, because, believe me, in oh... 3 days or so, the blogs will be back to how they've been the past couple of weeks =D

But think of it this way, after 5th June, this'll all be over. Excited? I am!

A quick update:

I re-did the assignment I lost

I have practically finished my magazine [just a few final touches before Tuesday]

I even did extra adverts to put in the magazine, and made a logo.

Exciting, isn't it!

Urghh

I know, I know this is my second blog today and I knowww it's exactly the same thing but I just need to get this of my chest.

We have three weeks left, I've come to terms with that.

Then I realised we have 3 lessons of UK Film left, the teacher who teaches that is also teaching Fictional Writing, a unit we haven't even started yet.

Next Monday, lesson 1, we'll be going through a log book.

The following Monday it's a bank holiday so college is closed.

And the Monday after that we have to do a presentation

So like... No time at all to learn fictional writing, which I found out this afternoon, consists of FOUR assignments! I have absolutely no idea how were going to finish it.

On top of that, I found out that I've lost a 3,000 word assignment I did a few months back and never printed because my memory sticks fucked up!

I want to die.

Well, I want to quit college anyway.

I cannot cope with this. I really, really, genuinely can't.

Help?

three weeks?

Now, I know this seems to be a running theme in my blogs but...

Today I found out, it is not 1 month until all my assignments have to be in no, today I found out it's actually THREE WEEKS!

I've lost a week somewhere! 

I feel physically sick, like... completely sick.

You know how a few posts back, I told you about my heart problems? I am having such heart pains right now.

Put it this way,

If I don't finish all my units, all my assignments, in 3 weeks - I haven't finished the course = I can't go to university.

To be honest, without being melodramatic at all, I really cannot see me finishing in 3 weeks. Seriously, like, when I think about it, think about everything I have to do...

It's near-impossible.

I really don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

Blow that for a game of soldiers

So yesterday I posted a blog saying about how well I'm coping with the anniversary of my Nan's death and how much I feel I've grown up since last year.

Then it struck me

Why was I coping so well with her death? Because I had purposely not given myself an opportunity to think about it. 

I woke up at 9am, went to college, worked through my break, worked through my lunch, came home and worked all night. At 1am I realised I had nothing to do, I was tired and I had to be up early the next day.

I felt myself hoping that Chase would go to sleep soon because I knew that as soon as I stopped working, as soon as I had a chance to think... I'd break down. So, at 2am, I was lying on my side, crying somewhat uncontrollably. I miss her. I really, really miss her. Before she died, I heard people say it'll hurt just as much in 10 years as it did the day they died, I never understood that, especially because "time heals all wounds"

But now I do, completely do. 

Thankfully, about 20 minutes in to my crying session, Chase rolled over, put his arm around me, pulled me really close to him, kissed the back of my neck and whispered in my ear; "It's okay to cry baby. I'm here to look after you. It's okay."

Sometimes, I love him so much I want to squeeze him. 

Collge Update:

4 weeks today left to do. Today, I recorded my music radio show, which'll be on Wiggle FM soon!  It went pretty well, considering I haven't really presented a radio show in over a year. So music radio's nearly finished, yayy.

I'm not going to dwell on college work too much, just... blahhhh.

6 years.

So right now, I'm sat, in Chase's bed with a log book for UK film, making CD's for my radio pre-record tomorrow and finishing magazine pages for a magazine that has to be finished this time next week.

Frustrated? Yes.

Nervous? Yes.

Annoyed? Yes.

Sick? Yes.

It's times like this I wish I was still in sixth form, exams and exam leave sounds so much easier - there's only so much teachers can fuck that up.

But I won't dwell on that, I think I ranted enough in one of my recent entries.

I want to concerntrate on something else today, something to take the attention away from how much work I haven't done.

Six years today my Nan died, if you read my first entries you'll know that I was really, really close to my Nan and her dying really upset me.

It's weird today, last year I spent the whole day at college not speaking to anyone and feeling completely numb, but today I'm okay... Well, not okay... But i'm coping. It hasn't changed my behaviour  today.

I don't know if that's because I'm older or what... I know it's not because I feel any less for her since last year, I love her just as much as I did. I really don't know what's happened.

It made me think a lot today, I feel like I'm growing up really fast.

I'm in a serious relationship, I'm going to university, come September I'll be living on my own, maybe next year I'll be living with Chase, I'm looking for jobs to support myself, I can cook my own dinner...

 It makes me think about how different I was when Nan was around. I was 12. Nothing bad had ever happened to me and I was naive about the world, now I feel like I'm a lot more emotionally mature because of everything that has happened to me and the people I love. 

Sometimes it scares me how much I've grown up, it scares me because I don't know if my Nan would like the person I've grown up to be, and no matter who reassures me, they don't know either. I'm not worried about getting old and growing up, I look forward to each birthday as much as I did when I was little [July 2nd by the way...]

It's just sometimes... I want everything to slow down, just for a little bit. I feel like everything is going so fast I can't breathe.

I feel happy.

So today, it's halfway through my week of living alone with Chase and, as I type this, Chase is cooking us dinner for tonight [steak, egg and jacket potato] and I'm sat watching Gordon Ramsey.

He cooks dinner and I clean the house, I feed the cats and he cleans out the cat litter - it's like I've fallen into this domestic bliss. We sit in front of the TV and cuddle on the sofa all night, we eat the dinner he has made while sat at the table talking about our days, we fall asleep at night holding each other with at least one cat lying with us.

I'm so happy, everything is perfect.

I was a little worried about living with him if I'm honest. I mean, I spend 5 days a week with him - I practically live with him, but completely on our own? Who knows what this could've unearthed. We could've ended up hating each other and, although this isn't the end of the week just yet, we don't. I love him just as much, if not more, as before.

Living with Chase has really calmed me down, it's allowed me to be the person I want to be and not be the 12 year old my Mum still wants me to be. I'm not shouted at when I say I don't feel like chicken tonight... I'm just not treated like a kid any more, I'm nearly 19 now and I don't want to be treated like a 12 year old.

Chase has just come in and asked me if I'd clear the table, dinners ready.

See

Perfect!

Problematic heart & Generating Ideas

Okay so this blog won't have any theme, purely because it's 1.45am and later today I am going to be moving in with Chase, well for a week, and I don't know when I'll be able to blog because we'll be on our own all week and I doubt this'll be very high on my priority list, so here is a nice ranty blog, just for you!

Okay, so I had this heart problem - I went to the doctors yearrrrss back and basically he said it was the cartilidge around my heart that was inflamed and spasming, nice right? So then it became triggered by stress and, anyone that knows me would tell you, I'm stressed like... 80% of the time. But I'd  been pretty chilled lately so my heart hadn't been playing up. Cue college.

To go to university and do the course I want to do I need 240 UCAS points which, in the scheme of things, isn't a lot and I'm pretty capable of yet, for a scholarship of £2,000 per year (!!!) I have to get 320 UCAS points which is a shit tonne more, this is the difference between me doing 6 units this year and 12. (You can't get good enough grades by doing just 6 units to get the 320 UCAS points, so 12 units is unavoidable)

In my first year, we managed to do 6 units (Textual Analysis, Pre-Production, Production, Photography, Ideas Generation and Marketing) which was okay and I just managed to finish them by the end of the year.

This year I'm doing Talk Radio, Music Radio, Writing For Radio, Careers, UK Film Studies, Fictional Writing, Factual Writing, Graphics, Magazine Publishing, Video Production, TV Production and Presentations and Exhibitions (Which if you counted is 12)

For all you non-mathematicians, that's DOUBLE what I did last year!

So the amount of units I just managed to squeeze in to one year I have to double this year. That's ridiculous!

But that's not the end of it, oh no.

Ideas Generation which I mentioned earlier, a unit I completed last year, has had to be REDONE. Our teacher for that unit is a waste of space basically and didn't teach us the unit as he should've done, nor told us exactly what we had to do. So we have to do THIRTEEN units this year. Thirteen!

That would be bad enough, but our teachers have someone messed this year up to an insane degree. Ask me how many units have I finished so far, go on... Ask me.

I'll tell you.

Three.

Yes, three units.

But that's not all, the three units I've finished aren't even completely finished.

For Graphics we had to design CD covers among others and when I asked why I hadn't got a higher grade my teacher [The waste of space that taught Ideas Generation] told me 'I dont like the colour green.' - That was it, that was his reason - So I'm having that re-marked to see what I need to do to get a better grade.

For Video Production the paper work and evaluation are yet to be completed because we haven't received our feedback yet to finish it.

And, finally, for Careers I haven't even got my marks/feedback back yet so I don't know if I have to re-do anything.

So, technically I still have nearly 13 units to finish...

IN THREE MONTHS!

There's units we haven't started yet, units we are no where near finishing and units that are being taught like we have a year left. 

Like I said, my heart problems occur when I'm stressed and what could be more stress worthy than my future possibly going down the pan because of incompetent teachers!

I have to finish 13 units in three months and like I said, putting that into perspective, I just managed to finsihed 6 units in a year.

It's just something I can't cope with which means I'm having more and more heart problems which are so bad they're keeping me up at night which means i'm not sleeping so I'm exhausted and not doing my work because I'm too tired which gets me more stressed and gives me more heart problems which keeps me up at night... arghhhh!

It's actually enough to make me cry.

People keep saying to me, My Mum, Chase, everyone, that I should relax and chill out and not think about it, but this means so much to me, University is something I'm so looking forward to and my course sounds incredible and I don't want to chuck that away. Also, the £2,000 will be enough money for me to live away from home which is something I doubt I'd be able to afford otherwise, and living away from home is something I want to do so badly - it'll allow me to grow up, mature and move on from some really horrible moments in my life. 

And I don't want to throw that all away, not now, I've worked really, really hard to get here, harder than I'd care to explain and harder than anyone else knows.

If I'm really honest, I'm terrified it's going to be all over.

And some may say that's melodramatic or whatever, but it's true.

Really, really true.

And I'm not ready to throw it away yet, I'm just scared I wont have a choice.

Creativity

I've always wanted to be an author. I love the feeling of staring at a blank page and being free to write whatever you want a lose yourself in that world and hope that whoever else reads it will have that feeling too.

I think that as I've grown up all my creativity has taken a back seat or, at least has manifested into a more grown-up form. I love to film videos, I love to write radio-dramas and I love to make-up film ideas yet I only do this as part of my college course.

When I sit down and begin these things I don't get excited and wonder if people that watch/listen to this will be taken to a different place and if I can escape while I write it, I think 'What's the easiest way to get a distinction?' That makes me sad.

One of my upcoming units is going to be fictional writing and I'm really excited about that. I'm hoping I can flex my creative muscles once again and be able to submerse myself in my story and my writing. 

At the moment, I'm trying to come up with a really exciting and orginal idea (without boring you too much, this idea will count towards three units in the end, so it's gotta be good) which'll hopefully completely and utterly capture my imagination.

Right now, my idea is something to with suicide pacts that is giving me very little inspiration so I might change it. I just have to come up with something good.

I'm hoping this will ignite my imagination once more and I can be creative in the way I once was, hopefully. Is this something that's happened to you?

On another note, and as some shameless plugging, if you are creative go to www.creartive.uk.tt and check out my exhibition.

Family

I know a lot of people say that their friends are their family and, although I think that's so amazing to be able to be so close to someone like that, I've never had that really tight, close bond with such a large group of people, maybe one or two - but even then it wasn't close enough to call them my 'family'... My family was always my family.

I'm really close to my Mum and my brother. Those two are my life and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. When I was really young my Nan died and then my Dad left my Mum, I think it was this that pushed me closer to my Mum and brother. We were all we had left and I wanted to protect them for anyone hurting them ever again and, because of everything that had happened, I knew they would do the same for me too.

Yet, the same two events had the complete and opposite effect on mine and my Dad's relationship. I blamed him for everything, at the time I was 12, I'd always been closer to my Mum and, without going in to too much detail, I felt he had abandoned us when we needed him most. 

My Dad smokes and drinks a lot, about two years a go he had to be taken to hospital for alcoholism and told me he thought he might have cancer. I'd always been worried about my Dad and his health and when my Nan died, of cancer, I was terrified it would happen to him too. I was really close to my Nan and I didn't want to lose another person I loved, so I pushed him away. I screamed and I shouted and I cried and told him I didn't want him to be in my life, when, in fact, it was the opposite that was true - I didn't want him to be out my life. 

This is only something I've come to terms with recently and, since he moved to France nearly two years a go, I haven't spoke to him an awful lot. I hated him, really. He made a lot of bad decisions when he was in England and living with us, he chose girlfriends over me and would drop us and leave us whenever it suited him. 

In July of this year, I am going to France to spend a week with my Dad - I'm terrified. I'm scared we're going to fight, I'm scared we're going to scream and I'm scared everything that has happened in the past will be brought up.

I think it's because I have a new family now. My Mum got remarried to one of the nicest guys around and his children are incredible. They're my family now and, slowly, Chase is becoming part of it too, more than just my boyfriend. I don't feel I need my Dad anymore, he caused me nothing but trouble anyway, I have this really new, incredible family.

I don't want to see him in July and I'm hoping, really hoping, that after that I'll be able to close that chapter in my life and move on. Hopefully.

[In other news, I take back everything I said in my last post about Chase no expressing his feelings. On Monday, he told me he loved me, he'd missed me and we're going to live together, just for a week while his Grandparents are away, but I'm really happy and excited.]

Love

So I have this boyfriend, Chase, and we've been together for 9 months, nearly 10, which is such a long time for me and the longest relationship I've ever had. He's brilliant - he's lovely and charming and one of the nicest people I know. He brings out the best in me and always calms me down and I feel really lucky to have met him. I love him.
I never believed in love. I thought it was nothing more than fairy tales and made-up stories because if love was real, then why doesn't it last forever? It was when my parents split up I started questioning everything, was love just something made up for greeting card companies and to sell films? I just couldn't understand one bit how if love was this amazing, incredible, fantastic thing why was it not permanent? Why did it not last? Yet, I am 18 and I have been in love 1 and a half times.
The first time, or 'half' wasn't real. It was my first boyfriend and although I thought I loved him, it was nothing more than a playground crush. We shared crisps and kisses in the school corridors, his lips tasted of salt and vinegar and stung mine. He cheated on me and made me lose all faith in boys. He wasn't a nice person, but how could I leave him? I 'loved' him, right?
And now, there's Chase. Chase is always how I imagined everything to be. The way I know I love Chase, more than anyone, is that I'm staying in Leicester to go to University. My dream, and anyone who knows me will tell you, was to study and live in London, yet I found out it was too expensive so I settled for just getting as far away from home as possible - Leeds, Liverpool, Birmingham, Scotland, Northampton... Then Chase came along, so Scotland dropped out for Leicester, 'Just in case'. I thought it was perfect, Chase had applied for Leicester, Leeds and Birmingham too - I still had a chance to move away with him. Yet he didn't get into Birmingham, and the course he applied for at Leeds wasn't exactly what he wanted, which left him with.. Yes, you guessed it... Leicester.
Now, I could've just gone to Leeds or Birmingham - but, as I found out, I don't like long distance relationships, especially since by September we would've been together for well over a year. How could I leave all that just to get away from home? So here I am, with my DMU acceptance letter getting ready for 4 years in Leicester. But it's for Chase.
That's how I know I love him, because Leicester doesn't seem that bad if I'm with him - and everyone makes compromises in a relationship. But my life with Chase is pretty perfect, we spend our days in bed watching TV and cuddling and he's my best friend and he kisses my tears away, yet there's just one thing...
See, the problem with Chase is, not that it really is a problem, is that he doesn't express how he feels. So while I wear my heart on my sleeve, he doesn't say anything - that's just the type of person he is. He's too relaxed, in fact if he was any further laid-back he'd fall over, so he doesn't talk about stuff as much as I do.
Like I said, it's not a bad thing, and normally I don't notice it, let alone let it bother me, but this weekend... ughh, this weekend!
Let me explain something to you, I stop at Chases on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Friday he comes to my house for the weekend. This is just what happens. So the only days I don't see him is... Thursday, really, this works for us - we've practically lived together since we started going out.
The past week he spent at his Nan's house meaning he didn't see his Mum all week, so he spent the weekend at her house. That's understandable, and let me make this clear - that's not what I'm ranting about here. So, I left his house on Wednesday morning as normally and on Thursday I didn't see him. Friday I start college at 11am and, because I've dropped a lesson, I finish at 1pm - Usually I hang around college and do some work until Chase finishes his lesson at 4 to get the bus back to mine for the weekend. But because Chase wasn't coming to mine at the weekend I just went home at 1.
This meant, when we're meant to see each other for 4 days, I barely saw him for a few hours. This really upset me (my Uncle died of a brain tumour just a few weeks a go and I'm still overly emotional about it) so I told him, I told him I missed him and all that. He was just like 'I know, I miss you too - still only 2 days now, I'm off to game!'
Sometimes I wished he was more like he was at the start of our relationship - He used to talk all the time about how he felt for me and how I made him feel, in quite some detail. Maybe it's comfort now, he doesn't need to reassure me he loves me, I already know. I know he misses me when I'm not there, so why does he have to tell me?
Sometimes I wish he still would.

Friendship

Okay, so the Easter holiday's have just finished here, which means back to College (boo!) but it also means seeing everybody I love (yayy!) My friends are such a big part of who I am - I love just being with them and spending time with them. There's something so amazing about just sitting and talking with someone for hours on end and I really love finding people I can do that with.

I have a lot of friends that I've met in a lot of different ways, like people I've met from message boards and concerts that I only get to talk to online or see really rarely, which I hate, and then there's people I know through college that I get to see every day, which I love. Irrespective of how I know them, they are all really special to me in lots of different ways and they're all really different people.

Somebody I'm quite close to me asked me a question for a video she's making the other week. It was "How do you choose your friends?" and that got my thinking, like is there one thing that actually... defines your choice in friends? I mean, I'd like to say 'no' and, as I said earlier, all of my friends are really quite different, but there is something, some common factor that all my friends have in common.

They all make me laugh. Now, you might think that that's a given, but for me that's such a huge, massive deal to me. We can have nothing in common but as long as they make me laugh, and, ever better, if I can make them laugh, then I'm happy.

A perfect example of this is my step-sister, when I met her we were completely different - she liked Slipknot and wore nothing but black and lace, I liked McFly and my wardrobe was filled with pink skirts. Yet we got on, really well. Now, were a lot similar but back then we had nothing in common. But she was funny, we had the same sense of humour and that's how we bonded (well, that and boys)
So, if it wasn't for humour being paramount in my friendships I wouldn't have such a good friend in Megan who is responsible for some of the biggest moments in my life.

I found that one question really interesting actually, so I'm going to ask it to you: Is there any way you choose your friends? Anything they have in common? Anything your friends must have or be able to do? 

Hello!

Hello everybody!

Okay so this is my first proper blog (I have blogged before but not for others to see and not actively) so this is quite exciting for me!

I'm planning to blog on here and on youtube, which will happen as soon as I get around to sorting out a camera and I'll post my youtube link on here when I start getting videos up.

I'm basically doing this because, well... there's a lot going on in my life and there's a lot of really exciting things going on so I thought this is a brilliant way to document it and share it with all of you.

So, I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself:

My name is Leigh, I'm 18 and I'm from a little town in the middle of England. I'm studying Media at the moment and I'm going to go to University in September - that means I'll be a grown-up and that's scary!

I'm into music in a really big way. I would say 'I like anything and everything' but I don't. It's not that I have a really specific music taste, there's just certain genres I'm not really into - mainly hip hop and r'n'b and the like.

At the minute, I'm really into The Scene Aesthetic and if you haven't listened to them, you should check them out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV6d3BAZI94

So if you know any other music that's similar that you think I'd like just send a reply and let me know.

I'm a little bit of a nerd, like I really like Harry Potter and Twilight, and reading as a whole actually. I'm really passionate about film, especially But I'm cool in other ways, I promise! 

Okay, so additionally I am going to attempt for every one of my blogs on here to have some type of theme so it's not just incoherrent rambling and there's actually some type of substance to them.

I'm going to post my first one seperately in a minute.

=]