I take it back

Everything I said in my last post, I take it back.

Me and Chase had a long chat over dinner the other night.

I love him, like an insane amount and I know that he loves me too.

He said that, for him, not living together is more about him wanting to do it on his own first. And that, next year, in our third year, he wants to live with me. That gives him one year to experience everything on his own and get enough money so we can live together comfortably.

And this entire Christmas we had the most amazing time together. We laughed and spent lots of time in bed just cuddling and talking. He came to mine on Boxing Day and spent up until yesterday there when we went shopping and out for dinner.

I am a very lucky girl and the next time I forget that, I give you permission to punch me.

Boyfriend troubles

Right now my relationship with Chase is perfect.

Or at least that's what I'd have to believe.

I feel that sometimes, if I let on to people if me and Chase are having problems [even the tiniest ones] like our relationship is shit in their eyes. And I know, when it comes down to it, their opinion does not matter one bit, but I don't want people to think that.

In the scheme of things our relationship is pretty damn perfect.

We don't argue.

We love each other completely

He buys me presents just because

I buy him things that remind me of him

He calls just to hear my voice

We talk on webcam when we can't be together

And when we are together everythings incredible

Our relationship is about love and about fun.

But then something happens

And it doesn't change anything, at least not normally for him.

Recently, I've been finding places to live for the next year - halls of residence are only there for first years.

And I said to Chase about me and him living together because it'll be awesome. Waking up next to him every day and going to sleep next to him every night, cooking him dinner and coming home to him every day sounds like my idea of bliss.

Plus, I'd much rather live with him [my boyfriend of 18 months] than some people that, although I do like, I have only known for 3 months.

Chase chose the latter. He would rather live with one of my housemates who he's really close to, than me.

Yeah.

Now he says this is because he doesn't want anything to change between us. That if we live together we could break up and he's happy with the way things are.

But all I hear is 'Chances are we'll break up before next September anyway/I'm not that happy with you anymore/I don't want to live with you.'

I mean, why else would he want to live with someone he's only known for a few months over me?

When people ask me about it 'Oh, are you not going to be living with Chase next year?' I just say what he said to me, not believing it myself, 'We like things the way they are. A lot could change if we lived together.'

As well, it seems like everybody is moving forward. Girlfriends and boyfriends are moving in together, my step-brother just got ENGAGED to his girlfriend of 8/9 months...

I'm not looking for engagement, definitely not, but I'm fed up of this.

One of my flatmates is moving in with her boyfriend and I asked her if she thought that was a good idea, what if they broke up? What if things changed? And she said;

"Maybe. But then maybe not. I'd rather have 2, 3, 4 months of living together really, really happily than this. I mean, if you love each other enough to live together, you love each other enough to work through all your problems. There's no point in a relationship if you don't love each other enough to work through your problems.'

I don't think Chase loves me enough sometimes.

Long time coming

So I haven't updated this since I first moved into my accommodation, about 10 weeks a go. That's shocking considering over summer this was my only source of outlet.

Perhaps it's because now I don't have much to vent.

I mean, I'm still with Chase - perhaps even closer and more in love now than before, I have these two amazing friends who I'm super close to even though it's only been 2 and a half months, 80% of my flat are incredible.

The work is shit though.

Super, super shit.

In fact, I pretty much hate my course - just because, at the moment, we're not doing anything I want to do. At all.

A guy I'm working with at the moment is pretty much like Hitler in that he constantly e-mails and texts me about work that is either a) out of my control or b) something I've already done.

Decembers really hard for me and having him on my back the entire time is something I find really hard to cope with.

But I have Chase, so that's all good.

My eatings getting better - I cook meals for myself all the time, pasta bake and chicken and potatoes etc.

I wish I didn't eat as much but I'm trying, I've joined the gym - Now i just have to go.

I'm waiting for Chase to come home to me now, I've washed my clothes, tidied my room and I'm gonna cook chicken chow mein for dinner tonight. To be honest, I've got a pretty good life right now.