issues

I know I've already blogged today,

but I want to write this, when I wrote my first blog it was something I wasn't sure if I wanted to put in or not - so I guess here it goes.

Last Tuesday for video production we presented a kids TV show and it was one of the first times I've been in front of the camera like that and yesterday we watched the footage back and I was shocked.

Truly and utter shocked.

I mean, I've never thought I was pretty. I have squatty eyes and a turn up nose and ratty hair and a long chin. I'm on the fat side of curvy, my bums bigger than average and my thighs are pretty big.

I never thought I was ugly though... I would've said 'plain'. I'm not anything spectacular but I'm not disgusting either.

Yet, when I watched the footage back and it got to my section I couldn't helped but be revolted. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time. My hair looked horrible, my face was huge, my teeth were horrible, I looked massive.... I was ugly.

I am ugly.

This obviously isn't a 'Look at me, I'm ugly. Compliment me please.' blog. It's just... I have no one else to say this too.

I can't say anything to Chase, he gets a bit angry if I say anything like this and says something about I shouldn't care what other people are going to think.

I can't say this to my Mum because she's biased.

I just feel so ugly. Like... disgusting, revolting, horrendous. 

I mean looking at that video tape it was like... Oh god, just awful.

I've always thought Chase was somewhat out of my league, like he's settled for me, and now since then I've felt like this more so than ever. Today, he went to college and when he spoke to me he mentioned something about how a girl had her boobs out, like she usually does and it really kinda... Not hurt me, just... stumped me.

It was like I felt like I had no boobs to speak of and that's why he noticed hers, obviously if he had said this two weeks a go I wouldn't have batted an eye lid because I know deep down Chase likes the way I look or it doesn't matter to him, either way I know he loves me, but this week it was just too much.

I didn't want to go to sainsburys today because I didn't want people to see my face because I thought they'd laugh and the ones that don't laugh are just too disgusted to do so.

It makes me not want to go into college any more, not go to university, not let Chase see me. Not until I'm pretty, or at least just plain again.

Same ole subject

So today,

I don't really have anything to blog about, I just feel like it. I'm really sleepy today - without moaning about it again, I think all this work is taking its toll on me. I just feel so drained.

I'm really looking forward to June 5th because then I will have all of my work done and dusted [although we do have a presentation to do on 15th (???)] and I can finallyyyy relax.

I plan on having a glass of wine and lying in bed all day and do nothing, like the good old days.

I think when I'm at Chase's house I feel more relaxed, we had a massive conversation yesterday about all this work. Basically, we're making magazines in a unit called Publishing. I'm in a group with two other people, Maria and Joe, and our magazine is a magazine about Leicester culture, like a guide for students and shit. We decided we would split the work evenly and work on everything together.

So the articles I had to do was a Restaurants guide, a page with 30 Reasons to study in Leicester and an interview with a band [this all includes the layout and pictures, obviously] I was working on the 30 Reasons article with Maria and the band interview with both of them.

Cue two months afterwards

Our magazine was meant to be finished by the Tuesday just gone. I, knowing it wasn't going to be finished if we didn't do anything sharpish, worked all weekend doing articles.

I did a Whats New page [that Joe was meant to do], a Gigs Listing guide, two adverts, the band interviews, the restaurant page and a past and present music article [that Joe was also meant to do] but I figured as long as it gets done that's okay with me.

Tuesday rolls around and we get in, Maria shows me her Clubs and Bars article [similar to my restaurant one] and it's only half-finished, so she spent the entire lesson finishing it off, I had to re-do the contents page Joe did [the only page he actually did in the end]

Then Maria had the cheek to tell me my page numbers were on the wrong side and I had to re-do them.

I figured I might aswell just work through lunch to get the 30 Reasons article finished [it was on the computers at college so I couldn't finish it over the weekend] Maria was all like 'Ohh no, you can't do thattt...' but quickly changed her tune, reminded me to get all her articles off the computer to put on my memory stick so I can 'do all the little changes' I also have to do the front cover and another advert Maria was meant to do.

As if I haven't got enough work.

Chase told me I shouldn't be doing other peoples work, and I know that...

But, because I know, they won't do it I have to finish it off otherwise I wont get a grade for that unit. Then I wont be able to finish my course.

It's like... I have no idea when my units will be done... Yknow...

I just feel so stressed.

What normally calms me down is having sex with Chase but because I'm on my frigging period I can't so I'm like snapping at anything and walking around all tense. 

Tonight

I plan on downloading a nice movie, buying some ice cream and just chilling out and not thinking about assignments or work. Maybe.

By the wayyyy

www.wiggle.slcollege.ac.uk

It's my college radio station and Chase is on tonight! From 7.30 - 9.30pm doing a Funk and Soul show. =]

"Im never drinking again! Bleuuughh!"

That, the title right up there, is what I was whispering to myself, whilst bent over the toilet bowl, trying not to get my hair in the way as I threw up. I'm a classy girl, really.

I thought I'd post a nice, upbeat, happy blog beings as my last few have been super depressing.

I feel really relaxed today, I'm listening to the radio, lying in bed, with a hangover, doing a bit of work [I've had a super productive weekend so maybe that's why I'm so chilled?] and getting ready for possibly my first roast dinner of 2009.

Last night I went to the engagement party of some guy I used to work with, it was really lovely and everyone was happy. It was the first engagement party I'd ever been to, or at least could remember, it made me all warm and fuzzy.

I like seeing people in love. It makes me think about Chase and how lucky I am to have him and feel the way I do.

It was our 10 month anniversary yesterday actually. 

When I came home, more than just a little bit drunk, I told him this;

Me: Happy 10 month-iversary by the way!

Chase: Oh is that today? Two more and it'll be a year!

Me: Do you think we'll make a year?

Chase: No.

Chase: ROFL

Chase: I'm kidding. Of course we will. I love you and I'll love you in 2 months time, I have no plans on leaving any time soon.

Things like that make my tummy warm and bubbly. I haven't seen him in all of 4 days, I think I might run up and jump on him when I see him tomorrow.

Sometimes I just feel completely and utterly at bliss when I'm with him. Like... just peaceful, and even though I'm not with him right now, I feel like that at the moment.

I'm a very lucky girl you know, I have amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, an amazing family. I should think about the positives more often, really. They normally outweigh the negatives.

I hope you enjoyed that, because, believe me, in oh... 3 days or so, the blogs will be back to how they've been the past couple of weeks =D

But think of it this way, after 5th June, this'll all be over. Excited? I am!

A quick update:

I re-did the assignment I lost

I have practically finished my magazine [just a few final touches before Tuesday]

I even did extra adverts to put in the magazine, and made a logo.

Exciting, isn't it!

Urghh

I know, I know this is my second blog today and I knowww it's exactly the same thing but I just need to get this of my chest.

We have three weeks left, I've come to terms with that.

Then I realised we have 3 lessons of UK Film left, the teacher who teaches that is also teaching Fictional Writing, a unit we haven't even started yet.

Next Monday, lesson 1, we'll be going through a log book.

The following Monday it's a bank holiday so college is closed.

And the Monday after that we have to do a presentation

So like... No time at all to learn fictional writing, which I found out this afternoon, consists of FOUR assignments! I have absolutely no idea how were going to finish it.

On top of that, I found out that I've lost a 3,000 word assignment I did a few months back and never printed because my memory sticks fucked up!

I want to die.

Well, I want to quit college anyway.

I cannot cope with this. I really, really, genuinely can't.

Help?

three weeks?

Now, I know this seems to be a running theme in my blogs but...

Today I found out, it is not 1 month until all my assignments have to be in no, today I found out it's actually THREE WEEKS!

I've lost a week somewhere! 

I feel physically sick, like... completely sick.

You know how a few posts back, I told you about my heart problems? I am having such heart pains right now.

Put it this way,

If I don't finish all my units, all my assignments, in 3 weeks - I haven't finished the course = I can't go to university.

To be honest, without being melodramatic at all, I really cannot see me finishing in 3 weeks. Seriously, like, when I think about it, think about everything I have to do...

It's near-impossible.

I really don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

Blow that for a game of soldiers

So yesterday I posted a blog saying about how well I'm coping with the anniversary of my Nan's death and how much I feel I've grown up since last year.

Then it struck me

Why was I coping so well with her death? Because I had purposely not given myself an opportunity to think about it. 

I woke up at 9am, went to college, worked through my break, worked through my lunch, came home and worked all night. At 1am I realised I had nothing to do, I was tired and I had to be up early the next day.

I felt myself hoping that Chase would go to sleep soon because I knew that as soon as I stopped working, as soon as I had a chance to think... I'd break down. So, at 2am, I was lying on my side, crying somewhat uncontrollably. I miss her. I really, really miss her. Before she died, I heard people say it'll hurt just as much in 10 years as it did the day they died, I never understood that, especially because "time heals all wounds"

But now I do, completely do. 

Thankfully, about 20 minutes in to my crying session, Chase rolled over, put his arm around me, pulled me really close to him, kissed the back of my neck and whispered in my ear; "It's okay to cry baby. I'm here to look after you. It's okay."

Sometimes, I love him so much I want to squeeze him. 

Collge Update:

4 weeks today left to do. Today, I recorded my music radio show, which'll be on Wiggle FM soon!  It went pretty well, considering I haven't really presented a radio show in over a year. So music radio's nearly finished, yayy.

I'm not going to dwell on college work too much, just... blahhhh.

6 years.

So right now, I'm sat, in Chase's bed with a log book for UK film, making CD's for my radio pre-record tomorrow and finishing magazine pages for a magazine that has to be finished this time next week.

Frustrated? Yes.

Nervous? Yes.

Annoyed? Yes.

Sick? Yes.

It's times like this I wish I was still in sixth form, exams and exam leave sounds so much easier - there's only so much teachers can fuck that up.

But I won't dwell on that, I think I ranted enough in one of my recent entries.

I want to concerntrate on something else today, something to take the attention away from how much work I haven't done.

Six years today my Nan died, if you read my first entries you'll know that I was really, really close to my Nan and her dying really upset me.

It's weird today, last year I spent the whole day at college not speaking to anyone and feeling completely numb, but today I'm okay... Well, not okay... But i'm coping. It hasn't changed my behaviour  today.

I don't know if that's because I'm older or what... I know it's not because I feel any less for her since last year, I love her just as much as I did. I really don't know what's happened.

It made me think a lot today, I feel like I'm growing up really fast.

I'm in a serious relationship, I'm going to university, come September I'll be living on my own, maybe next year I'll be living with Chase, I'm looking for jobs to support myself, I can cook my own dinner...

 It makes me think about how different I was when Nan was around. I was 12. Nothing bad had ever happened to me and I was naive about the world, now I feel like I'm a lot more emotionally mature because of everything that has happened to me and the people I love. 

Sometimes it scares me how much I've grown up, it scares me because I don't know if my Nan would like the person I've grown up to be, and no matter who reassures me, they don't know either. I'm not worried about getting old and growing up, I look forward to each birthday as much as I did when I was little [July 2nd by the way...]

It's just sometimes... I want everything to slow down, just for a little bit. I feel like everything is going so fast I can't breathe.

I feel happy.

So today, it's halfway through my week of living alone with Chase and, as I type this, Chase is cooking us dinner for tonight [steak, egg and jacket potato] and I'm sat watching Gordon Ramsey.

He cooks dinner and I clean the house, I feed the cats and he cleans out the cat litter - it's like I've fallen into this domestic bliss. We sit in front of the TV and cuddle on the sofa all night, we eat the dinner he has made while sat at the table talking about our days, we fall asleep at night holding each other with at least one cat lying with us.

I'm so happy, everything is perfect.

I was a little worried about living with him if I'm honest. I mean, I spend 5 days a week with him - I practically live with him, but completely on our own? Who knows what this could've unearthed. We could've ended up hating each other and, although this isn't the end of the week just yet, we don't. I love him just as much, if not more, as before.

Living with Chase has really calmed me down, it's allowed me to be the person I want to be and not be the 12 year old my Mum still wants me to be. I'm not shouted at when I say I don't feel like chicken tonight... I'm just not treated like a kid any more, I'm nearly 19 now and I don't want to be treated like a 12 year old.

Chase has just come in and asked me if I'd clear the table, dinners ready.

See

Perfect!

Problematic heart & Generating Ideas

Okay so this blog won't have any theme, purely because it's 1.45am and later today I am going to be moving in with Chase, well for a week, and I don't know when I'll be able to blog because we'll be on our own all week and I doubt this'll be very high on my priority list, so here is a nice ranty blog, just for you!

Okay, so I had this heart problem - I went to the doctors yearrrrss back and basically he said it was the cartilidge around my heart that was inflamed and spasming, nice right? So then it became triggered by stress and, anyone that knows me would tell you, I'm stressed like... 80% of the time. But I'd  been pretty chilled lately so my heart hadn't been playing up. Cue college.

To go to university and do the course I want to do I need 240 UCAS points which, in the scheme of things, isn't a lot and I'm pretty capable of yet, for a scholarship of £2,000 per year (!!!) I have to get 320 UCAS points which is a shit tonne more, this is the difference between me doing 6 units this year and 12. (You can't get good enough grades by doing just 6 units to get the 320 UCAS points, so 12 units is unavoidable)

In my first year, we managed to do 6 units (Textual Analysis, Pre-Production, Production, Photography, Ideas Generation and Marketing) which was okay and I just managed to finish them by the end of the year.

This year I'm doing Talk Radio, Music Radio, Writing For Radio, Careers, UK Film Studies, Fictional Writing, Factual Writing, Graphics, Magazine Publishing, Video Production, TV Production and Presentations and Exhibitions (Which if you counted is 12)

For all you non-mathematicians, that's DOUBLE what I did last year!

So the amount of units I just managed to squeeze in to one year I have to double this year. That's ridiculous!

But that's not the end of it, oh no.

Ideas Generation which I mentioned earlier, a unit I completed last year, has had to be REDONE. Our teacher for that unit is a waste of space basically and didn't teach us the unit as he should've done, nor told us exactly what we had to do. So we have to do THIRTEEN units this year. Thirteen!

That would be bad enough, but our teachers have someone messed this year up to an insane degree. Ask me how many units have I finished so far, go on... Ask me.

I'll tell you.

Three.

Yes, three units.

But that's not all, the three units I've finished aren't even completely finished.

For Graphics we had to design CD covers among others and when I asked why I hadn't got a higher grade my teacher [The waste of space that taught Ideas Generation] told me 'I dont like the colour green.' - That was it, that was his reason - So I'm having that re-marked to see what I need to do to get a better grade.

For Video Production the paper work and evaluation are yet to be completed because we haven't received our feedback yet to finish it.

And, finally, for Careers I haven't even got my marks/feedback back yet so I don't know if I have to re-do anything.

So, technically I still have nearly 13 units to finish...

IN THREE MONTHS!

There's units we haven't started yet, units we are no where near finishing and units that are being taught like we have a year left. 

Like I said, my heart problems occur when I'm stressed and what could be more stress worthy than my future possibly going down the pan because of incompetent teachers!

I have to finish 13 units in three months and like I said, putting that into perspective, I just managed to finsihed 6 units in a year.

It's just something I can't cope with which means I'm having more and more heart problems which are so bad they're keeping me up at night which means i'm not sleeping so I'm exhausted and not doing my work because I'm too tired which gets me more stressed and gives me more heart problems which keeps me up at night... arghhhh!

It's actually enough to make me cry.

People keep saying to me, My Mum, Chase, everyone, that I should relax and chill out and not think about it, but this means so much to me, University is something I'm so looking forward to and my course sounds incredible and I don't want to chuck that away. Also, the £2,000 will be enough money for me to live away from home which is something I doubt I'd be able to afford otherwise, and living away from home is something I want to do so badly - it'll allow me to grow up, mature and move on from some really horrible moments in my life. 

And I don't want to throw that all away, not now, I've worked really, really hard to get here, harder than I'd care to explain and harder than anyone else knows.

If I'm really honest, I'm terrified it's going to be all over.

And some may say that's melodramatic or whatever, but it's true.

Really, really true.

And I'm not ready to throw it away yet, I'm just scared I wont have a choice.