Moving on and moving out

I finally got my accommodation!

One that's beautiful and lovely and that, most importantly, I can afford. In 4 weeks I will be moving out, only an hour away from home, to a little flat that I'm going to share with TEN people! Yes, ten!

I am so excited!

I went to visit it yesterday, just the outside as it was a Sunday and it was closed. It's so amazing. It overlooks this beautiful river and theres all these balcolnies, although I'm on the ground floor so I wont have one, and the whole thing backs onto this private green area and then theres a park not so far away. About 100 yards down the road theres a couple of takeaways and a sainsburys and this pub that looks really pretty. It's about a 5 minute walk from the university, literally just up the road. There's about 3 or 4 other halls of residence just down the road as well so it's all very central and just... gorgeous!

Did I mention I was excited?

It's not ensuite so, yes, the idea of sharing a bathroom with 10 people fills me with complete and utter dread but I have a cute little sink in my bedroom that I can wash my face in and stuff beforehand.

Seeing it yesterday made it all real for me, it's only a couple of weeks until I start university and until I move in. That's insane.

I feel like I've come such a far way and that this time two years a go I wouldn't have even let the thought of moving away enter my head - and yes, it is only an hour away, but it's still a big step for me. If you knew me, you'd understand.

I can't wait to be all grown up, have my friends around for dinner and let them get ready around my place before we go out. To be able to utter the phrase;

"Do you wanna come round mine for a bit before we go out/go to the cinema/go shopping," etc and not have to plan buses and taxis home. That's something I'm really looking forward to.

In my last blog, I said how I really wanted to move out because of my Mum. That's still true, I wont deny that she makes me feel a little claustraphobic and like I'm not allowed to grow up sometimes. But seeing the way she got a bit upset and me moving made me realise how much I'll miss her when the time actually comes to move out. I'm not saying, I didn't think I was going to miss her before, I just didn't know how MUCH I was going to miss her.

And my brother. It'll be awful leaving both of them.

But onwards and upwards.

This feels like the turning point in my life.

I wish I was pretty

I really wish I was pretty.

I really wish I was thin.

I really wish I had been blessed with good genes.

It annoys me when you see people who, annoyingly, have everything. I'm not talking about celebrities, but those excruciatingly popular girls at school. The ones that are gorgeous and sexy with the impossible figures and the hunky boyfriends and even the high grades and the good friends.

I wish I was one of those girls.

I'm not.

I went out of Saturday with a few friends and my boyfriend and had such a good time. A few of the pictures taken that night have made me cry. Like, actually cry.

This is one of them;

Thats me and one of my friends, Rachel, who is beautiful and thin and gorgeous. Just generally one of the 'perfect' girls. The girl next to her is me.

Notice the make-up having run, the horrible greasy-looking, flat hair, the moles on the face etc. Notice the arm that's twice the size of Rachels, the wideness of me, the way my stomach sticks out, how far my face is, the actually rolls of fat.

Just looking at that photo makes me feel sick.

I've been trying so hard to lose weight, why is it not working? Like, not working at all! I look bigger than I did when I started. I don't know what to do or how I can face University in September when I look like that! I can't even put into words how bad this photo makes me feel. How hopeless and sick and upset I feel by just looking at this photo and knowing this is what everyone sees me when they look at me.

There's other photos where you can see my belly stiking out of my top, where my arms are huge and photos where I look disgusting.

Every ounce of self confidence I have is now gone.

I wish I was thin

I wish I was pretty.

Holding Back

What happens when you're holding someone back?

I mean, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Sometimes you have to let them go BECAUSE you love them.

I do love him, more than I can put in words, more than I thought it was possible to love anybody ever before.

But so much is going on, so much is changing and so much is going to change.

I know I'll just hold them back - stop him from being the person he's capable of. He probably know this too by now.

All the people he could meet that would be better for he, all the opportunities to go out and meet more people rather than staying in with me and all the (and I hate to say this) girls that will suit him better than I do.

He deserves the best and I know he's settled for 'Ok at best'. I'd hate myself if I stood in the way of all the people and the opportunities and the girls that the future holds for him. If he didn't experience it to the full because of me and my whining and jealousy and love I wouldn't be a very nice person, I wouldn't love him if I did, would I?

And, because I have a feeling he knows this.

I also have a feeling that the end is coming.

I'm picking stupid fights to make it as unpainful as possible when it does happen because I know it's going to hurt so much.

But like I said, if you love someone you should do whats best for them, not whats best for you.

Even if you do get your heart broken in the process.

It's 6am and I haven't been asleep yet - I can't sleep, everything is going so fast through my brain that I can't stop thinking about it, picturing worst case scenarios. I'm hoping writing this will get it out of my system and let me sleep a little.

I'm just hoping against hope I'm wrong, but the way he's been acting, the things he's been saying - I'm not holding out too much hope. Prepare yourself for the worst, I guess.

Weight loss

I have decided

I am going to lose weight!

And I'm going to do this healthily and sensibly. I know I wrote about this a while a go, but I have actually started now, this isn't just a pipe dream anymore.

I go running nearly every day, I eat chicken and salad and fruit every day!

Accommodation and Living

Despite going to university in Leicester, an hour away from where I live and a pretty easy commute, I am so set on living in the halls. This is for a few reasons;

1) An hour, although 1 bus ride, is a long time twice a day. Plus there'll be really long breaks - long enough to have nothing to do, not long enough to go all the way home and back again.

2) I don't think I can grow up if I keep living with my Mum. Chances are when I'm done with University, I'll move out anyway and I want to be able to cook, wash and looking after myself by then.

3) I want the life - I want to be able to go out at night with 5 minutes notice and not have to worry about getting home [buses to Harborough finish at 6pm and taxis cost around £50] or even getting there.

Lastly, and probably the biggest reason why,

4) I am fed up of living with my Mum

Don't get me wrong - I love my Mum, she is amazing and I wouldn't swap her for the world. On the other hand, she treats me like a 9 year old and not like a 19 year old. I get told off if I go into my brothers bedroom at 10pm and ask him a question, I get moaned at if I don't fancy dinner.

I'm worried that we'll have such a big arguement one day that it'll really ruin our relationship and I don't know how far off in the future that is.

I applied for accomodation really early, in March, as soon as the application went online. It is now August. On 17th September all students move into their accommodation. And I still haven't heard anything.

There's people from Harborough who have, people who applied after me too, and my application still says 'pending' on it.

I think I'll cry if I don't get it.

I haven't got any other options.