In Love

Since I and Chase have been together for over a year now [as of 16th July] it will come as no surprise that I am in love with him [who would spend a year with another person if they didn't love them?!]. It does, however, come as much of a surprise to me how much I love him and how much of an impact he has on my day to day life.

We went to France for a week together to see my Dad and his family. It was a really nice trip, not a holiday as such, but a really nice week away together. I spent the week before with him as well. That's like an entire fortnight! A whole two weeks sharing the same bed and spending more or less the whole time together. I will not lie, I was looking forward to stretching out in bed and using the best pillows and wathing what I want to on TV as soon as he went back to his house. But there's so much I miss aswell that I didn't anticipate.

I miss his cuddles and the way he would say goodnight to me, I miss waking up to him sleeping, I miss having him nearly yank my arm out of place so I can snuggle up to him, I miss him moaning about how much noise I make in the mornings when he's still asleep, I miss how his faces changes and goes all soft when he speaks to me, I miss how his voice changes when he talks to me too, I miss how he when everybodys talking around us he winks at me and mouths that he loves me.

And, this morning, as I lie here at 6am - I miss all the space he takes up in bed, I miss him squashing me against the wall, I miss him complaining that I stole all the covers.

Chase does this one thing that annoys me so much. He'll move me so I'm lying on my side facing away from him and he'll come up really close to me and put his arms around me and cuddle me really tightly and put his head on mine so his mouth is near my ear. Which I love. And then, when I'm all relaxed and ready to sleep, he starts snoring - REALLY snoring. Right in my ear. But I even miss that!

Like I said, it surprised me how much I missed him when he was gone - for a while we've stayed over each others houses for a couple of days a week and I'd gotten used to that. But having unlimited Chase access for over a fortnight and then having it taken away was a shock to the system, to be honest. It made me realise how much I do miss him when he's not here, it feels like my right arms been chopped off and I can't get used to life without it.

He's gonna have to come live with me soon - that's the best option really!

The Next Chapter

I've been thinking a lot about my life recently, and where I'm going - there's a lot of things I want to talk about and what my aspirations are with them ultimately.

Career and education:

At the moment:

In September I shall be attending De Montfort University to do a degree in Media Production. I am so excited - nervous, but excited all the same. It's such a good course with a lot of the aspects of the course I just studied along with a bunch of new stuff. I absolutely love the idea of working in the media industry - on films, TV or advertisements - it would be a dream and I know I'm going to enjoy the vast majority of the four years I'm studying for.

In reality:

I'm not sure if I'd be able to work in the media industry - it's so competitive and I'm not sure if I have the drive, skills of creativity to make my mark. Although I am looking forward to another 4 years of media, I'm not sure if I'm wasting money on something I wont use in my future. But then, that brings up the question, what do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? And, the honest answer is, I don't know. Realistically, I don't know. Ultimately, I would love to be a writer - it's something I enjoy with such a passion and I would love to be able to dedicate myself to it but I know it's a stupid little fantasy - and just as competitive as media.

Love

At the moment:

I feel like it's the 'next chapter' in mine and Chase's relationship - on Thursday, two days away, we will have been together for a year. This is, by far, my longest relationship and my most serious - his too. We're also going on holiday together to France to visit my family next Monday also.

In reality:

I feel really insecure in my relationship with Chase. It is nothing at all to do with him - but entirely my own thoughts that plague me constantly. My Dad cheated on my Mum and then left her. As this was what I was brought up with, and what I was brought up to believe was a 'functional relationship', I am constantly worried Chase will do the same to me. I feel nothing but happy and safe when I'm with him - but when he goes out I feel worried and paranoid. I can't stop thinking of all the thinks he could do while he's out. I know that makes me sound like a clingy girlfriend from hell, and trust me - I feel it sometimes, but I'm not. I've just been brought up believing than men cheating on their girlfriends/wives is normal and expected - so I expect it. I'm just worried beause I don't want our relationship to end any time soon.

Family

At the moment:

I'm not entirely sure what to say about my family. It is the next chapter because it will be the first time I've seen my Dad in a year - most of which I didn't speak to him. I'm terrified of going and seeing him. It's also the next chapter because, as of September, chances are I will no longer be living with my Mum and my Brother - this is both exhilerating and nervewracking. Getting out of this town will be a God send but leaving them? I'm not so sure.

In reality:

Ask me when I come back from France.

Body

At the moment:

I will always give different people, different answers when they ask how I see my body or if it comes up in conversation. If you are in my family, I will say 'I am happy with my body at the moment apart from [insert small feature here]'. If you are thinner than I am I will say 'I hate my body and I want to lose weight desperately.'

In reality:

I'm not sure which answers the most honest, probably the second. I am happy with the way I look for the most part but I have so many things that, given the chance I would change - tummy, bum, thighs, arms. In the past, I have starved myself - eaten around 500 calories a day. I have exerised off most, if not all, of the calories I had ate. I have used laxatives and tried to purge. I have lost a lot of weight these ways - I have dropped down to nearly a size 6 - lost 2 and a half stone. It consumed me entirely and this is the only place I have ever spoken about it before. I don't want to do it again because I don't want to be the person I was back then. I cared about nothing but exercising, calories, avoiding food and myself. I have friends and a boyfriend now, I didn't back then, and I don't want to lose them. All I did was exercise and count calories during the day, consuming nothing but water to sustain me. When my parents got home, I would go to bed and try to avoid dinner and make the excuses to avoid as much as possible. I don't want to do that again, I want to go out and have fun instead of living a half existance.

I want to lose weight healthily this time round, but I'm scared I'll get pulled back into the hurricane like last time. I have no one to confide in about this, no one who can help me.

All done!

So college is completely and officially over, I feel really sad actually. I'll really miss the people there, I'll really miss everything about it. There's so much I want to say to people but I don't have the chance so, anonymously; [If you can guess who they're about, well done to you!]

1) You're annoying. So very, very annoying. Even though we're doing the same course at Uni I hope to GOD we're not in the same class because no matter how much I like you OUT of college, in classes you're nothing but rude. You butt in when people are speaking to teachers, you give no thoughts about stepping over someone else to get what you want. You're rude and I hate you. I hope this is goodbye.

2) I like you but I'm so frigging fed up of you flirting with my boyfriend like I'm invisible. You're really a nice person but you haven't got two brain cells to rub together, love.

3) I think I misunderstood you - that chat we had on Friday night made me look at you in a different light. I always thought you were self-confident, self-obsessed and self-obsorbed but you're not. You're self-concious and that's why you act the way you are. I am sorry for all the bad thoughts I've had about you, I have so much respect for you now.

4) You are supposed to be my friend but that message you left me on the last day; 'It was nice working with you. Have a good future' You're hardly as close as I thought you were. By the way, nice touch on not even wishing me a happy birthday!

5) You're nice but you're up yourself. Time to face the facts: You're not going to change history, you're making yourself look like a fool. But I do like you, I really do.

6) You are the nicest person I know. I love you and everything about you! You are one of the best friends I have and I don't want to lose you. I'm so glad we're going to the same university because you've been more of a support to me these past two years than I could tell you.

7) I wish we were like this in the first year. You are incredible. You are lovely. You are talented. I was so lucky to work with you - that project was my ultimate favourite thing in the past two years. I loved it and you're not going to get rid of me for the foreseeable future.

8) What you said to me in Pizza Hut summed you up for me perfectly. Boring and conceited. I'm glad I'm not going to see you again, I got fed up of you belittling me with your achievements. Oh and as for your message, 'Read more books'?? Fuck off and don't add 'LOL' to the end of your messages, retard.

9) Friday night made me realise how sad I was for not getting to know you better these two years.

10) I'm glad you didn't ruin Friday for me :) Thanks for not showing up and letting me spend the time with everybody I actually love. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that. I'm really happy I don't have to see you ever again!

11) You going so far away really upsets me, you mean a lot to me and I hope you don't choose your 'cool new friends' when you come home for holidays over the people who actually love you for you and not just your band.

12) It's a shame I didn't speak to you for the best part of two years. You're a little bit annoying and self-obsessed but I really like you. You gave good advice to me and you did look after me when I need it. I hope I don't stop talking to you - I do count you as a good friend to me.

13) I hate you. Actually hate you. Please stop trying to be my friend, we're not 'buddies'. You're a twat tbh and I'm looking forward to not seeing you three times a week next year. Thank Christ, you annoying little man.

14) You really made me laugh! I hope I see you next year because you were hilarious and I really, really liked you.

15) Because you're the last person left, I love you anyway - but you already knew that.

Score out of 15??

I'm absolutely terrified of starting University now, now College is OFFICIALLY over the beginning is nigh! I'm so scared about everything to do with starting. It's such a big step from College, it really is.

But I'm sure there'll be plenty of blogs about that over summer anyway.