Family

I know a lot of people say that their friends are their family and, although I think that's so amazing to be able to be so close to someone like that, I've never had that really tight, close bond with such a large group of people, maybe one or two - but even then it wasn't close enough to call them my 'family'... My family was always my family.

I'm really close to my Mum and my brother. Those two are my life and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. When I was really young my Nan died and then my Dad left my Mum, I think it was this that pushed me closer to my Mum and brother. We were all we had left and I wanted to protect them for anyone hurting them ever again and, because of everything that had happened, I knew they would do the same for me too.

Yet, the same two events had the complete and opposite effect on mine and my Dad's relationship. I blamed him for everything, at the time I was 12, I'd always been closer to my Mum and, without going in to too much detail, I felt he had abandoned us when we needed him most. 

My Dad smokes and drinks a lot, about two years a go he had to be taken to hospital for alcoholism and told me he thought he might have cancer. I'd always been worried about my Dad and his health and when my Nan died, of cancer, I was terrified it would happen to him too. I was really close to my Nan and I didn't want to lose another person I loved, so I pushed him away. I screamed and I shouted and I cried and told him I didn't want him to be in my life, when, in fact, it was the opposite that was true - I didn't want him to be out my life. 

This is only something I've come to terms with recently and, since he moved to France nearly two years a go, I haven't spoke to him an awful lot. I hated him, really. He made a lot of bad decisions when he was in England and living with us, he chose girlfriends over me and would drop us and leave us whenever it suited him. 

In July of this year, I am going to France to spend a week with my Dad - I'm terrified. I'm scared we're going to fight, I'm scared we're going to scream and I'm scared everything that has happened in the past will be brought up.

I think it's because I have a new family now. My Mum got remarried to one of the nicest guys around and his children are incredible. They're my family now and, slowly, Chase is becoming part of it too, more than just my boyfriend. I don't feel I need my Dad anymore, he caused me nothing but trouble anyway, I have this really new, incredible family.

I don't want to see him in July and I'm hoping, really hoping, that after that I'll be able to close that chapter in my life and move on. Hopefully.

[In other news, I take back everything I said in my last post about Chase no expressing his feelings. On Monday, he told me he loved me, he'd missed me and we're going to live together, just for a week while his Grandparents are away, but I'm really happy and excited.]