The Next Chapter

I've been thinking a lot about my life recently, and where I'm going - there's a lot of things I want to talk about and what my aspirations are with them ultimately.

Career and education:

At the moment:

In September I shall be attending De Montfort University to do a degree in Media Production. I am so excited - nervous, but excited all the same. It's such a good course with a lot of the aspects of the course I just studied along with a bunch of new stuff. I absolutely love the idea of working in the media industry - on films, TV or advertisements - it would be a dream and I know I'm going to enjoy the vast majority of the four years I'm studying for.

In reality:

I'm not sure if I'd be able to work in the media industry - it's so competitive and I'm not sure if I have the drive, skills of creativity to make my mark. Although I am looking forward to another 4 years of media, I'm not sure if I'm wasting money on something I wont use in my future. But then, that brings up the question, what do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? And, the honest answer is, I don't know. Realistically, I don't know. Ultimately, I would love to be a writer - it's something I enjoy with such a passion and I would love to be able to dedicate myself to it but I know it's a stupid little fantasy - and just as competitive as media.

Love

At the moment:

I feel like it's the 'next chapter' in mine and Chase's relationship - on Thursday, two days away, we will have been together for a year. This is, by far, my longest relationship and my most serious - his too. We're also going on holiday together to France to visit my family next Monday also.

In reality:

I feel really insecure in my relationship with Chase. It is nothing at all to do with him - but entirely my own thoughts that plague me constantly. My Dad cheated on my Mum and then left her. As this was what I was brought up with, and what I was brought up to believe was a 'functional relationship', I am constantly worried Chase will do the same to me. I feel nothing but happy and safe when I'm with him - but when he goes out I feel worried and paranoid. I can't stop thinking of all the thinks he could do while he's out. I know that makes me sound like a clingy girlfriend from hell, and trust me - I feel it sometimes, but I'm not. I've just been brought up believing than men cheating on their girlfriends/wives is normal and expected - so I expect it. I'm just worried beause I don't want our relationship to end any time soon.

Family

At the moment:

I'm not entirely sure what to say about my family. It is the next chapter because it will be the first time I've seen my Dad in a year - most of which I didn't speak to him. I'm terrified of going and seeing him. It's also the next chapter because, as of September, chances are I will no longer be living with my Mum and my Brother - this is both exhilerating and nervewracking. Getting out of this town will be a God send but leaving them? I'm not so sure.

In reality:

Ask me when I come back from France.

Body

At the moment:

I will always give different people, different answers when they ask how I see my body or if it comes up in conversation. If you are in my family, I will say 'I am happy with my body at the moment apart from [insert small feature here]'. If you are thinner than I am I will say 'I hate my body and I want to lose weight desperately.'

In reality:

I'm not sure which answers the most honest, probably the second. I am happy with the way I look for the most part but I have so many things that, given the chance I would change - tummy, bum, thighs, arms. In the past, I have starved myself - eaten around 500 calories a day. I have exerised off most, if not all, of the calories I had ate. I have used laxatives and tried to purge. I have lost a lot of weight these ways - I have dropped down to nearly a size 6 - lost 2 and a half stone. It consumed me entirely and this is the only place I have ever spoken about it before. I don't want to do it again because I don't want to be the person I was back then. I cared about nothing but exercising, calories, avoiding food and myself. I have friends and a boyfriend now, I didn't back then, and I don't want to lose them. All I did was exercise and count calories during the day, consuming nothing but water to sustain me. When my parents got home, I would go to bed and try to avoid dinner and make the excuses to avoid as much as possible. I don't want to do that again, I want to go out and have fun instead of living a half existance.

I want to lose weight healthily this time round, but I'm scared I'll get pulled back into the hurricane like last time. I have no one to confide in about this, no one who can help me.