Shitty Friday

Today has been really bad.

really, really bad.

On the plus side, I have until Monday to do fictional writing instead of today - but I'm not sure of what the consequences are of this.

I'm so tired. Tired in general, tired of college, tired of this!

I love my life, I do, but I want something exciting right now. I hate Chase being away, I do need him here right now. Really badly.

My Grandad has cancer.

He's had it for a while, blood cancer it is, and he keeps going from 'don't plan to the future' to 'he's nearly completely fine', but right now he's in hospital. He came over the weekend just gone and he looked so weak, so frail - it was the first time I'd seen him since he'd been diagnoised and it scared me, it reminded me so much of my Nan.

And now he's back in hospital, I hate this because I get scared everytime the phone rings incase it's 'Oh, he died.' I get this big lump in my throat and stop breathing.

I just want Chase here, just to talk about it or just to... be there. I love my friends and they've been really surportive and asking me if I'm okay via text and msn and I appreciate it sooo much. But what I would give to just be cuddled really tightly...

College is getting me down. I dread going in now, the teachers are pissing about and my brain is hurting.

I want it to be over, I really do because I can feel myself going crazy. Like today, I searched all thorough my bag twice for an assignment I WAS HOLDING IN MY HAND. It got to the point where I was gonna cry until I saw I was holding it. 

I want to go to sleep and not wake up until July 3rd, I really do. I hope it all finishes on Monday because if I have to come in I wont be able to take any more of this, I really wont. It's like I'm being asked if I want to re-do evaluations 'It'll only be a bit, boost you to a good merit' and I dont want to, I don't care anymore. I just want this year over.

I feel so drained and so exhausted. I go from sleeping so heavy for hours and hours to waking up every 10 minutes and I'm still absolutely tired when I wake up in the morning.

I want my Chasey. I want the big brother eviction tonight and I want July 3rd.

Please make it happen.

Thank you.

On another note, I'm gonna start a diet blog over the weekend because I want to loose weight desperately for Summer.

I'm going to France with Chase to visit my family and they're all stupidly skinny and always make comments about how fat I am. So, fingers crossed, I can lose enough weight to stop the comments.