I was so proud of her, like to the point where I was welling up. She did so well and I can't express how I happy I am she won. Her designs were pretty damn incredible afterall.
But
It got me thinking
My sister obviously has a real, honest to god talent for Fashion. She just... has it, yknow? So... What do I have? I mean lets break it down;
I want to work in media but I'm not sure where
I like making videos but my ideas aren't brilliant and I can't film very good.
I'm shit at taking photographs
I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to do radio
I can't edit or use software all that well
I don't know anything that thousands of other people, other students do... I haven't got anything. Nothing special. I can write a decent essay if I try, exciting. That's not gonna further my future at all.
But apart from that
I'm not musical at all, I can't sing, I can't act, I can't dance, I can't draw, I can't make stuff, I can't cook...
Chase is an incredible bass player - hearing him play is just something else and he just tends to be able to play instruments amazingly as soon as he picks them up.
My brother studies carpentry and somehow just managed to become incredible at it, he's one of the best in the class and he's always producing these amazing things he's made from scratch - tables, chairs, wardrobes.
My other sister is an incredible drawer.
It feels like I don't have that, it's like if someone else did this blog, they could write 'Oh yeah, Leigh's a good... Erm... Well, I mean... She's alright at lots of stuff really... Um, Leigh's a good person, yeah.' because, trust me on this one, there's absolutely nothing about me that sounds out - nothing that's special, nothing I'm proud of, nothing that anybody will remember.
It's not that I want to be famous and I want all the glory.
I'd just like to have something I can excel at instead of a couple of things that I'm average at.
I'm fed up of being average, of looking average, of getting average grades. I want to be good at something! Just anything. I want to have something I love, that I'm good at, and that I can put all my passion into, because sometimes I feel so boring.
I know there's nothing exciting about me, and I wish there was.
I'm also really worried that I won't get the grades I need. I've handed in all my work and now... now it's out of my hands. I don't know my grades and I don't even know when I'm gonna get my grades.
This brings me back to what I've just been saying - there's no units I know I'm gonna get distinctions in, there's no units I even think I'm gonna get distinctions in. Chase often says 'I'm gonna have to settle for 4 distinctions,' when he's counting up what grades he's getting. It makes me feel like absolute shit because I'd love to be able to settle for 4 distinctions, 4 distinctions would be incredible for me! I'm so proud of Chase because he deserves it and this way he can get his scholarship but when he says stuff like that it puts it into perspective how far away from that I am.
When Chase spoke to our tutor about his UCAS points and stuff, our tutor said 'You'll be fine,' more or less. Chase has more than enough UCAS points and he'll actually have to fail some units to get below the 320 UCAS points he wants for the scholarship. When I spoke to our tutor he said '...I wouldn't bank all your money on getting the 320, Leigh. Don't get your hopes up.'
I sometimes wish I was like Chase. He's talents and smart and self assured.
I'm not allowed to get my hopes up.
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